Tummy buttons and other assorted fluff
Tummy buttons, the magical tube that binds us to our mama's, the remaining semblance of what was an intravenous food fest for a little disproportionate foetus. But why are some packaged better than others? Don't all doctors have to go through the same training? I have never been present at the moment of birth (I was hatched), is it possible that the doctor gives the mummy a choice, "excuse me Ms Winslet, would you like your baby to have a pretty little tummy button, or a ugly sticking out thingy?" If so why would a parent choose the later for their beautiful child?
Advantages for having an outy belly button:
somewhere to hang your car keys
2) you can do the 'there's an alien coming out of my stomach' gag at parties
3) stretch it and twang it like a guitar
4) women can have their own penis!
5) start a club for like bellied people and trade anecdotes "once I got mine stuck in lift doors…"
6) it doesn't accumulate so much fluff…?
7) makes you more aerodynamic when sprinting
8) draw eyes on your tummy just above the appendage and do Gonzo impressions
9) plug yourself into a outy compatible data terminal and upload useful information, city maps etc.
10) get someone to blow into it and inflate you, for some reason…?
There we have it ladies and gentlemen, conclusive proof that outies do have a function.
In fact it is currently 'En vogue" to have an outy. Kylie is getting one, Eminem, Robbie Williams, and Leonardo de Caprio are all 'coming out'.
I over head a conversation between a group of women the other day, it went something like this:
- "Have you even been with a circumcised man?"
brunette 2 - "sure, they are great in bed…oooh baby."
woman with large nose - "have you ever been with a guy from the south of England?"
Sexy blonde - "sure, that was the best thing ever ever ever ever! The earth, no wait, the GALAXY moved! But have you been with a man with an outy bully button?"
Woman with prosthetic limb - "no I haven't but I really want to, they are so cute and interesting."
Another conversation between some men:
man -"see the footy last night?"
Bald man 2 - "yeah, ad any tasty birds lately?"
Brunette - "yeah mate, I was wiv dis gorgeous bit vee uver night"
Man with a pipe - "what were er tits like ven?"
Brunnete - "I dunno mate, didn't notice um, she had dis amazing outy belly button though"
All - "Phoar!!!"
Its true, outies are sexy! And now we are offering you the chance to transform your conventional, boring old inny belly button into a lovely modern stylish outy.
Just send a cheque for £10000/$70000 made payable to 'Fazed- fluff fund' and we will send you a free pack with everything you need to transform your little button.
(Thread, needles, antiseptic, plunger not included.)