"He belittles me and has hit me before"

Dear Anon,

The first thing I want you to realize is that you are bearing the brunt of your boyfriend’s depression, insecurities and unstable emotional condition so please, please, please don’t get down on yourself or feel as though you’ve brought any of this maltreatment on yourself. I am quite certain you’re getting treated in the same callous manner as girlfriends past and (if you get out), girlfriends future.

I have been where you are. Even though I pride myself on my confidence and I know what I’m worth, I was once in a relationship where I was constantly belittled, yelled at and made to feel inferior. And although the relationship was unhealthy and turbulent, I stayed (sadly) because, aside from being addicted to the pain/passion paradigm, it was comfortable and familiar.

I have a hunch the same is true for you. When you say things like “I have a good thing as we are planning to buy a house, we have lots of holidays and enjoy a good quality of life,” I nod my head in complete understanding because those are the exact same excuses I used to give for staying too. But what I want you to realize is that you can (and will!) have all those things – vacations, good quality of living, a house, etc. – with someone who doesn’t physically and emotionally abuse you, belittle you, make you feel less than you are or treat you with disdain and disrespect.

I repeat: You can have all the things you want (the aspects of your current relationship which you like) with someone who treats you WELL.

Wouldn’t it be nice to be in a relationship where you were treated kindly all of the time, where your arguments were healthy, fair, rational discussions, where you didn’t feel like you had to walk on eggshells around your boyfriend for fear if you said something wrong he may blow up at you?

Not only can you have that, but you deserve it, too. That is exactly the type of relationship you deserve to be in! So why aren’t you?

Well I believe the reasons I said before carry a lot of validity. Like me, perhaps you’re addicted to the pain/passion paradigm. He’s both physically and mentally abusive, and of course that hurts, but at least you know what to expect. The model is familiar and therefore – even though painful – it’s comfortable because it’s known.

And even when we know something’s bad for us, the way this relationship is clearly bad for you, we have a hard time letting go of it because we’ve grown so used to having it in our lives we wouldn’t know what to do without it. Like a smoker who can’t give up her cigarettes even though she knows they’re killing her, this man has become your crutch. I believe you realize how toxic he is to your life and emotional state (or else you wouldn’t have written me), but you’re terrified to let him go because, like that smoker, removing him from your life is scary, difficult and distressing.  But here’s the thing – I guarantee you that keeping him in your life will prove to be far worse.

While I respect the fact that things have improved in your relationship, I honestly don’t think that his behavior is going to get better. In fact, I think it’s going to get harsher as the years continue. Don’t get me wrong, I am an advocate for working out the hardships of relationships, but not when one or both of the partners is getting demeaned and emotionally and physically abused. That’s not okay.  Ever.

While I can’t tell you what to do, I want you to take a cold, hard look at the facts. This man treats you terribly, flies of the handle and yells at you for no reason, hits you, and emotionally terrorizes you. And while he does offer you certain lifestyle things you want, he can’t give you children. Are you willing to accept a future of mistreatment and abuse – and never have kids of your own – or, would you rather walk away, find a confident, healthy man who loves himself enough to truly love and respect you and live a life filled with happiness, joy and children?

Of course the choice is yours, but in my opinion, the decision is pretty clear. If you need help working through your feelings, I highly recommend talking to a trained therapist in your area. Getting out is hard, but having a good support network and someone to help you understand all your emotions makes it much easier. Trust me.

Good luck!

Marissa