"Now that I've lost him I realize how much I miss him"

Dear Nathalie,

I am so sorry for all the hardships you've endured in your life. It doesn’t seem fair that one person is dealt so much misfortune. But I am a firm believer that what doesn’t kill us makes us stronger. And you, Nathalie, are most definitely a pillar of strength.

In order to make clear to your ex how you feel about him and how sorry you are, it is important for you to understand your own actions leading to your breakup, including why you cheated. Let me relay a couple of my own theories, and please remember that my words are from my heart and not a psychology degree, so take all I say with an open mind and a grain of salt.

Throughout your life the people you were closest to went away (mother, cousin), and your father – the man supposed to protect and love you – has repeatedly put you in danger and treated you without love or kindness. Void of a solid and loving family core, and plagued by constant disappointment, hurt and loss, I suspect you subconsciously expected your boyfriend to leave and hurt you the way the other people you’ve loved in your life have, and therefore you pushed him away (by cheating on him) before he had a chance to do it to you. And although I’m sure you didn't deliberately want to sabotage your relationship, this was your defense mechanism; your way of protecting yourself from the pain of loss you are so familiar with.

You mentioned how caring your boyfriend was and how he stood by you through all your problems. And while yes, he sounds like any woman’s dream come true, for you, there are some underlying issues that make such thoughtfulness a problem. Due to the nature of your abusive father/daughter relationship, you no doubt have trust issues regarding men, and most likely, you feel you’re not worthy of compassion, kindness and love. Therefore, it’s entirely possible that you felt you weren’t good enough for such an empathetic and warm man; that you didn’t deserve such gentleness. While this is without a doubt a ridiculous and untrue notion, your years of abuse, let-downs and defeat have conditioned you to believe this. So because he was a gem of a guy who stood behind you despite your fears and issues, it was all the more difficult to open your heart and put your faith and trust in him because you felt you were unworthy.

I highly recommend meeting with a trained counselor to work through everything. Sometimes our problems are too cumbersome and overwhelming to overcome all alone, and there’s absolutely no shame in asking for a little help. I truly believe this will allow you to get a handle on your feelings and emotions, and will aid you in eventually learning how to trust and love not just others, but yourself too.

As far as letting your ex know how feel, be honest with him. I think the best way to do this is in a letter. This way, you have a chance to write down all your thoughts and ideas without interruptions and distractions. And if you’re unsure where to begin, why don’t you start by telling him exactly what you told me: that you cannot get him out of your head, you would do anything for one more chance with him and although you don’t want to be chasing him, you need to let him know how much you care about him, how much he means to you, and how absolutely sorry you are.

And don’t look at this as you “chasing” him, look at it as being completely honest with both him and yourself. And in a relationship, honesty is of the utmost importance. Don’t be afraid to express your feelings.

And while he may be too hurt or angry to take you back, the process of writing that letter will be an extremely positive and therapeutic step for you. Although scary, learning how to trust - even in the face of possible rejection, loss and sorrow – is absolutely, 100% necessary. Otherwise, you'll never fully experience the love and happiness you so deserve.

Just because you’ve had a rocky past doesn’t mean you can’t pave the way for a smooth future.

Good luck!
-Marissa