"I think I have a fear of intimacy"

Dear Brianna,

In high school I tried out for a dance team I desperately wanted to be on. I had watched the girls perform for years and years and knew that I just had to be a part of their group. I practiced so much before trying out that I could have done the routines hobbling on one leg and blindfolded (although that wouldn’t have looked very good!). But the point is, I wanted it badly and I knew exactly what I had to do to land a spot in the coveted dance team. So what happened when I went in for my try-out? I choked. That’s right, right there in front of all the judges and the rest of the amazing dance squad, my brain turned to mush and all my limbs followed. I forgot every single step! Needless to say, I didn’t make the team.

Although a different situation, the same thing is happening to you. It’s called performance anxiety and it occurs when we put too much pressure on ourselves to do something perfectly. You’ve spent so long looking at other couples, wishing you had what they have, and now that you’re facing a real relationship of your own, just like me on tryout day, you’re choking.

Why? Because you’re nervous. Maybe you’re afraid this relationship won’t live up to the ideal you’ve created in your mind, or maybe you’re anxious about your ability to be a good girlfriend. Whatever the reasons, by placing so much emphasis on having a relationship, you’ve created a mental block that’s actually preventing you from being in one!

When we want something so badly, often times, we take whatever it is too seriously and don’t allow ourselves room for mistakes, or even growth! What we all have to realize is that doing this ultimately produces the opposite of our desired effect. For me, that means I was rejected from the dance team, for you, it means as much as you want one, you can’t seem to enter into a relationship.

So what do you do? Relax! On the count of three, take the deepest of deep breaths and try to let all your fears and anxiety about relationships go.

Some relationships soar while others fail and you know what? That’s okay! The important thing is that we learn from all of our relationships, both good and bad. So, in reality, even our bad relationships are blessing because we get to grow from them. Let this knowledge loosen you up because if you remain so rigid about being in a relationship, that pesky mental block of yours won’t go away.

Right here and now make a pact with yourself to stop letting your fears inhibit you from happiness and growth. Go get you guy, and enjoy!

Good luck!

Marissa