"He's afraid of intimacy and his sexuality"

Dear Robert,

I think you’re right on – not only does he have issues about his sexuality, but, considering the fact he’s never had a real relationship, not only is he inexperienced when it comes to emotional attachments, but it seems he also has severe hang-ups about intimacy.

This guy’s definitely a project. And that’s okay – we’ve all dated projects before, i.e. partners we literally have to help mold and grow – but you have to determine whether or not you like him enough to expend the energy and effort.

If you do, then you just have to realize and accept that the path ahead may be bumpy and paved with potholes. Just like now, for every 2 steps you move forward, you might also move 3 back.

Clearly he really likes you or else he wouldn’t have swum this far in waters that make him so uncomfortable. And due to his discomfort, he’s cluing you into his feelings and being affectionate in the only way he feels he can – through text messages and other types of non-forward communication. He literally feels he needs a shield between you and him when he shares his feelings with you (i.e. the alcohol, etc.); to you, a relationship and communication savvy man, that seems ridiculous, but for him – someone who’s so afraid of his emotions, sexuality and intimacy – even just text messaging you his sentiments is a VERY big deal.

And when it comes to moving this relationship forward, that’s what you’re going to have to be prepared for – you’re going to have to be okay with taking baby steps because that’s all he’s capable of.

What can you do to make the transition easier? Well for starters, even if he’s uncomfortable with it, you need to lay the groundwork for open and honest communication.

Without making him feel badly for his issues, talk to him about your feelings for him and your desire to keep at this relationship and hopefully continue moving things to the next level. Tell him, though, that you care about him so much, you’re willing to go at whatever pace he needs – you’re patient and willing to wait for him to feel comfortable. The goal here is to make him feel at ease with you and okay with opening up both emotionally and physically. But don’t walk on eggshells around him when it comes to closeness or commitment, the more you avoid the topics, the more he’ll see that he can get away with being intimately elusive.

So definitely continue to put it out there – it will make him nervous, but that’s okay…eventually, in order to flourish in a happy, healthy relationship, he’s going to have to face these issues. And here’s the thing, if it makes him agitated to the point of leaving you, wouldn’t you rather know that now? You wouldn’t want to skirt around the issue only to have you grow closer and closer to him and then boom! One day he leaves you because he can’t deal with the intimacy. Right?

Like I said, this is a project, but if you’re really into him and want to make it work, then I believe you can. Perhaps, when the two of you get closer and begin to openly discuss these issues, you can even suggest therapy (for him and maybe even couples counseling for both of you?).

However, if you decide that, although you like him this is one project that just doesn’t seem worth taking on, that’s okay too. Relationships are hard enough as is, and attempting to tame and shape partners make them even more difficult. Don’t feel badly if you decide to walk away. He will be okay and so will you.

Good luck!

Marissa