Search our problem archive:
"My boy never wants to spend time with me"
I’ve been in a loving relationship with my boyfriend for 1 year and 3mnths. The problem is he doesn’t ever spend time with me at all, either he says that he is too busy for me or he says that he’s with his family. But I am always willing to spend time with him. He doesn’t understand that how much I love him.
He is a nice guy deep down, but why am I the one putting in all the effort? His family knows about me and mine knows about him, and we say we want to marry each other, but sometimes on the phone he acts like he doesn’t care about me. We don’t communicate very well now either; if he calls, we chat for 2 minutes.
I don’t like crying; I love him and want him, but we only meet up once every 2 weeks or so, and this is getting to me. When I ask him to meet up he says "why are you nagging me?" Even when we have sex, if I ask to lie on his chest after he refuses to let me do it and jumps off my bed saying he has to go.
What do I do? I need your help.
9 Jan 2006
Name: Amy
Age: 17
Dear Amy,
It sounds to me like you boyfriend might not be ready for such an intense commitment and rather than tell you, little by little he’s pulling away.
While it’s understandable that at 17 he’s not comfortable being in this type of relationship, what is not okay is the way he’s treating you because of it. He’s taking you for granted, assuming you will always be there, and while he has no problem sharing a physical relationship with you, he’s withholding your previously shared emotional one.
That is simply not fair. What he’s forgetting to realize is that just as he has needs – and space seems to be one of them – so do you. And what concerns me even more than this complete disregard for your feelings is the fact that along with intimacy, the communication skills between the two of you have utterly disintegrated thus making it impossible to even discuss the issues at hand.
Since he won’t, it’s up to you to be the mature, rational partner. I suggest firmly letting him know that while you do love him and care deeply for him, you will no longer accept this kind of behavior; it’s disrespectful and hurtful and you don’t deserve it. Tell him that he has two choices. He can either a) decide to be with you fully (i.e. emotionally as well as physically) or b) leave. And while I know it’s scary because you don’t want him to choose the latter, I think that’s a much better option than forcing someone who doesn’t want to stay, to stay. What do you think?
Regardless of the outcome, I want you to realize that your boyfriend’s flippant and offensive behavior is not about you. Rather, it has to do with his unpreparedness to commit.
Good luck!
Marissa
Relationship problems? Got a crush? Being bullied at school?
Pose your dilemma to our resident agony aunt Marissa. Get advice!
The latest problems:
I gave him an ultimatum and scared him away
I can't get over him
My boyfriend has bad hygeine
Is my girlfriend cheating?
We're friends but I want to date him
