"My boyfriend has bad hygeine"

Dear Laura,

Oooh – there’s nothing less attractive than someone who’s smelly and unhygienic! I’ve been there. Too many times! Your heart’s pounding, you’re a ball of anxious excitement and you go in for that kiss…only to be repulsed by your partner’s dragon breath and bad body odor. Ew!

But besides the whole lack-of-hygiene problem, does your boyfriend posses any other qualities you do like and are attracted to? Because, although gross, smelliness and bad hygiene are problems that can easily be remedied; it’s a touchy subject, sure, but there are definitely subtle ways to hint that you wish he’d get in the shower, learn to use his toothbrush and, just once in a while, spray on some deoderant!

You can start by telling him how much you love snuggling up to people who smell clean and freshly showered – tell him it’s your favorite scent! And on top of that, buy him a bottle of your favorite cologne and request he wear it every time he’s around you; not only will you be happy he finally smells great, he’ll be thrilled to get the gift! If he’s got a bit of a breath problem, I’d try the age-old, “here, want a piece of gum?” trick. Or maybe even talk about how disgusting you think it is when people don’t brush their teeth. Without making him feel like you’re talking about him, go on and on about how bad breath is your biggest pet peeve – a deal-breaker, even – when it comes to the opposite sex.

Now, if you’ve decided your guy has no other redeeming qualities, and you’re just over it and no longer want to date him, that’s okay too. I know breaking up with people is tough – we don’t want to hurt their feelings, and, as you’ve said, we don’t want to lose the new friends we’ve made through the relationship, but the truth of the matter is, staying with someone for the wrong reasons is actually MORE hurtful to our partner than the alternative.

What I mean by this is that right now you’re holding onto your boyfriend (even though you’d really rather be done with the relationship), and so you’re preventing him from moving on with his life, and getting out there and meeting other girls who actually do want to be with him. And the same goes for you! As long as you remain tied to him, you’re not going to meet anyone else, either! So, if you’re certain you don’t want to be with him anymore, the fairest and most kind thing you can do – for both of you! – is to end the relationship so the two of you can move on.

We can’t force a relationship to work if we just don’t feel it. It’s like trying with all your might to jam two mismatched puzzle pieces together. We can try forever, and we may even get them to semi-fit, but when it comes down to it, those pieces are incompatible and will never really suit one another perfectly. And that’s not something to feel guilty about – it just is. And so, we break apart the pieces, and begin the search for their corresponding parts.

As for your fear of losing his friends, you’re right, it could possibly happen. After all, their loyalties lie with him, and when we endure breakups its kind of an unwritten law that we don’t fraternize with our best friend’s ex. That being said, if the breakup is friendly and there’s no malice involved – which, in this case, sounds like it will be; you have no hard feelings towards him – then it is possible to maintain friendships. Especially if you can maintain a friendship with your ex; if you can do this, then his friends will have no reason not to talk to you. And, if they do stop talking to you, and if they say mean things, understand it’s a defense mechanism and not personal. Although not right (and definitely hurtful) they’re doing their part (or at least they think they are) to stand up for their friend. But I guarantee the cattiness will not last forever. Time truly does heal everything; give it a few weeks, and I promise, as your ex’s heart heals, any bad feelings will begin to fall by the wayside and you can once again attempt to initiate friendships with his circle.

What matters most, though, is that you follow your heart. Don’t stay in a situation just because you’re afraid to hurt someone’s feelings, or because you want to remain friends with his friends.

Good luck!
Marissa