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"I've been begging him back but he refuses"

My boyfriend and I were together for a year. We were fighting a lot and I kinda knew the breakup was coming. Well it happened and he said, “I just don’t feel the same about you anymore.”

I’m still heartbroken over it. It's been about 2 weeks, and I’ve begged him to come back and give me another chance but he just won’t. The reason we fought so much was because I was so jealous and clingy and sometimes controlling.

I understand what I was doing wrong, and I wrote him a long letter begging him to come back and I admitted all my wrongdoings, but it still wouldn’t work. And everybody says to act like it doesn’t bother me, act like I’m fine and happy when I’m around him and I do; I act happy and I act like my hyper self, and it kinda seemed to work a little, but I guess not because I saw him with another girl last night and I know he likes her.

Its killing me and I want him back SO badly...what do I do?

6 Oct 2006
Name: Lauren
Age: 19

Dear Lauren,

There’s no way around it – breakups suck. I read somewhere that a broken heart hurts just as much as a real physical type of pain because the receptors in our brains comprehend the emotional pain of a broken heart in the same way they do a broken arm (or leg, or wrist or any other busted body part).

So, knowing that, I want you to cut yourself some slack – after all your breakup only happened two weeks ago – and allow yourself, without judgment, to face and feel the pain. You’ve suffered a loss, and losses of all kinds sting because they leave a very noticeable void in our lives. So, it’s imperative to grieve; as I always say, the only way out of something is through it, and so, in order come out the other side healed and happy, you must first confront and endure your myriad of emotions…no matter how difficult and traumatic that may seem.

The second thing I want you to realize is that breakups are never easy – not even for the person doing the breaking. So as flippant as your ex may seem about all this, trust me, inside, he’s feeling the loss too. How could he not be? Sure you underwent some rough patches, but the two of you did share a year of your lives with one another. No matter what happens – if he starts dating someone new, you fall in love with some other guy tomorrow – nothing (and nobody) can ever take away the wonderful memories you both have of one another, and your time together. Those memories will last forever, for both of you. They’re eternal! Take solace in that. Whatever direction his life takes him, and your life takes you, you’ll always be bonded by the year you shared. Always.

That being said, your boyfriend has decided it’s time for him to move on. Believe me, I KNOW how tough that is – especially when you want nothing more than to stay together and try to make it work. But here’s the thing – we cannot force someone to stay with us if they don’t want to. Healthy relationships happen when both people WANT to be in the relationship and WANT to make it work. In this case – as tough as this is to hear – your boyfriend just doesn’t want it anymore. And we can’t very well conduct a relationship for two. Both partners have to want it – it’s just that simple.

And really, when it comes down to it, don’t you want to be with someone who wants you back just as badly? Who would do anything to be with you and treasures the time he spends with you? Who loves you and wants to make it work at all costs? Because it seems to me that’s the type of guy you deserve. My rule of thumb in relationships is that I never want to force someone to be with me; I’d rather be with someone who wants to be with me and who makes that choice on his own. From past experience I can assure you, the latter makes for a much healthier, happier union.

So, I’m sorry to say, but no more begging your boyfriend back. If he finally did concede and come back, wouldn’t you wonder if it was because he really wanted to, or because he felt trapped and guilted into it? I know I would. In the meantime, listen to your friends – they’re right on. When you’re around him act like you don’t care – like life is GREAT and you’re having a blast! Laugh a lot, wear a smile and try as best you can to be your fun, hyper self. Even if you’re not really feeling all these things (and you’d much rather be crying instead), act as if. Not only will it show your boyfriend just how strong you are (and believe me, that’s one hell of an attractive trait!), but it will also make YOU feel better. Studies show that when we’re sad, putting on a happy face and laughing out loud (even if it’s forced at first) can really uplift your mood. So, in other words – fake it till you make it. Fake the good mood, and pretty soon, those joyous, back-to-your-normal-self feelings will become authentic.

And remember, you deserve the best. So don’t accept anything less! Now go out and have yourself some fun.

Good luck!

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