Search our problem archive:
"My ex-boyfriend and best friend are now dating"
My boyfriend of 2 months broke up a few weeks ago, and is now dating my best friend. I told my best friend that I didn’t want to be friends with her anymore because every time I would talk to her, I would get angry about everything that happened between her and my ex, and the fact that she lied to me, and kept A LOT of things from me while me and him were still together. All the problems happened when I went away. He ended up dumping me for her.
At the start, because I wouldn’t be friends with her and she was so upset about it all, he was angry at me and was saying how much of a bad person I was and how he never wanted to talk to me again. I was so upset because I still loved him so much and I thought I would never hear from him again, although a couple of weeks later he called me up and we ended up talking for ages, it was so strange. A couple of days later he texted me saying he was bored and wanted to chat so I told him to call me up. We ended up talking for about 3 hrs straight.
In this conversation he was giving me mixed signals, although he is still with my best friend, he was saying how he wanted me to be friends with her so he could see me again, then we could all meet up (because if he met up with me while she wasn’t there, then she would get jealous) and he also said how he never wished I went away because then none of 'this' would have happened.
He is giving me mixed signals, I’m so confused. I don’t know if he’s just using me as a back up, or if he’s stringing me along, or just being nice and does actually want to be friends? Please help me! I’m so confused and don't know what to do.
18 Aug 2006
In my opinion, whether he’s stringing you along, keeping you around as back-up or is genuinely still interested in you doesn’t matter in the least. What does matter is that both he, and your supposed “best friend”, have betrayed you, and now, rather than take any sort of responsibility for what they’ve done (hurt you), they’re placing blame on you by telling you you’re the one who’s doing wrong by no longer speaking to your friend. And your ex has even gone so far as to say, “I wish you never went away because then none of this would have happened.”
Excuse me? Um, I don’t think so! It is NOT your fault that you went away and this happened. Not. At. ALL! So, what, you’re supposed to stay at your boyfriend’s side permanently just to ensure he doesn’t make moves on other girls? No way! He’s a big boy, and he can think and make decisions for himself. His decision to dump you and make a move on your best friend is nobody’s blunder but his own. And now, just because he’s feeling guilty and/or misses you and wants you back in his life, he’s trying to absolve himself of all fault, and blame this whole mess (that HE, and your best friend, created) on YOU!
The nerve! If I were you, I’d be angry too. Angry at both of them.In fact, I’m not even sure why you’re still talking to your ex after the way he disrespected both you, and your relationship. Let me tell you something: You deserve better. You deserve a boyfriend who adores you, and wants to be with no one but you – a boyfriend who doesn’t go searching for companionship elsewhere (namely, in the arms of your best friend) when you go on vacation.
You know, it would have been one thing if your ex and best friend were honest with you about their feelings for one another. Of course you would have still felt hurt and deceived, but at least you would know they had enough respect and concern for you to be upfront and sincere with you. You may have even, eventually, been able to get over the upset and rebuild your friendships with both of them.But they weren’t honest. And even worse, they’re turning the tables around and making you feel like this is your problem, not theirs; like you did something wrong here and it’s your fault.
I just want you to realize how ridiculous that is. With friends (and boyfriends) like those, who needs enemies? Have enough self-respect to realize you don’t deserve that kind of treatment from anyone. There are plenty of other people out there – both future friends and boyfriends – who will know your incredible worth and love you wholeheartedly.
You’ve done nothing wrong. Remain friendly with them if you want, but keep your eye open for those real friends I’ve just mentioned above.