"Can a couple's communication problems be 60/40?"

Dear Laura,

Of course it’s possible for one person in the relationship to have a more difficult time communicating then the other, but the reason your boyfriend got so upset when you told him that you believe the problem was 60/40, is because he felt attacked.

When you tell him something like that – that he’s more a cause of the problem than you are – even though he asked you for a truthful answer, it just sets the two of you up for an argument. You’re playing the offensive, and he’s playing the defensive. It’s like if the two of you were having difficulties sexually, and you asked him who was more to blame, him or you, and he responded, “well, honestly, it’s probably 60/40,” I guarantee (even if it were true) you’d feel hurt, perhaps unwanted, and definitely defensive. And rather than create a safe and healthy environment in which you both felt comfortable discussing the issue, it would probably just exacerbate the problem.

Even if it’s true, that you are a better communicator than him, you need to make your boyfriend feel that learning how to communicate more efficiently is a team effort rather than a you-against-him competition. He needs to feel that the two of you are on the same side; that together, you are both working towards the betterment of your relationship.

From past experience, what I’ve learned about communicating is that the most important thing is to remember to listen. Really listen to your partner and hear what he/she is telling you. Feeling as though we’re being heard and truly understood sets an extremely positive climate in a relationship. Think about it – when you’re expressing yourself and your partner isn’t listening to you, you become agitated and ready to argue. But when your partner hears what you’re saying, you feel calm and happy; like the two of you are actually connecting!

Secondly, never negate one another’s feelings. Irrational as they may seem, feelings are feelings and we’re allowed to have them, nonetheless. Belittling each other or calling your feelings silly will only say to one another, “I don’t take you seriously and I don’t understand where you’re coming from.”

Third, remember to only have one argument at a time. Too often we bottle our frustrations inside and when we fight with our partner, like a huge explosion, all our past annoyances come flying out of our mouths! Not only is this unfair, it’s a truly defunct way of working through problems; I guarantee if you don’t focus on one concern at a time, nothing will ever get resolved.  Deal with issues as they happen so this type of explosion doesn’t occur.

Fourth, don’t be passive aggressive. When it comes to discussing things that are bothering you, rather than ignoring your partner for a few days in the hopes that he’ll get the hint he did something wrong, be adult about it and use your words! It might be difficult to do initially, but I promise letting your partner know exactly what’s on your mind is actually a lot easier and much more effective than the silent treatment.

Communication is THE most important thing in any relationship; it is truly the very basis and foundation for a healthy and stable bond. Therefore, if you feel that the two of you are incapable of working through your communicative problems on your own, I would suggest seeking the help of a couples counselor who can assist you in honing your skills.

Good luck!
Marissa