"My boyfriend is controlling"

Dear Alexandra,

You feel like you’re being controlled because you are!

What I need you to realize is how unhealthy this dynamic is. It would be one thing if you were blatantly flirting with other guys right in front of your boyfriend’s face, but that doesn’t seem to be what’s going on here.In fact, the problem is on your boyfriend’s side, not yours.

It seems to me your boyfriend has a case of low self-esteem and he’s so threatened by other guys that when you so much as look at someone else, he freaks out. Sound about right?

It’s not that he doesn’t trust you, and deep down he knows telling you not to talk to other guys is wrong, but his lack of confidence trumps all of that. In other words, he doesn’t deem himself good enough to be with you, and when you look in another guy’s direction (even though it’s completely innocent – and hey, we’re all allowed to look!), he gets immediately anxious and takes that as you saying, “hmm, that guy’s better looking than my boyfriend!” And his biggest fear, my dear, is the day you finally realize what he’s known all along – that he’s not good enough for you!  And then, you’ll move on, leaving him all alone. So, in the meantime, he’s doing all he can to prevent that from happening.

The only problem? Aside from creating a terribly unhealthy relationship, he’s literally driving you away from him! It’s a catch 22; the more he tries to hold onto you, the closer he gets to losing you!

I don’t necessarily think your relationship is a lost cause – every relationship has its issues. But what does concern me is that you’ve talked to your boyfriend about this issue, and nothing has changed. That’s not okay. You are a human being, not a dog on a leash. You should be allowed to talk to whomever you want to – guy, girl, anyone! You’re a big girl, and an independent, autonomous one at that, and you’re capable of making your own decisions. Your parents don’t tell you who you can and cannot talk to, so why do you let your boyfriend?

If you really want to save the relationship, I would try talking to him about the issue again, but this time you need to come from a place of strength. If you’re boyfriend doesn’t truly believe you’re going to leave if things don’t get better, than what’s his incentive for changing? Simply stated, if he knows he can treat you however he wants to and get away with it, he will.

So, within yourself, even though you love him, you need to resolve to LEAVE the relationship if things don’t change. Remember, you do not deserve to be treated this way – you are not an animal on a leash, you are a human being. And this jealous behavior, if your boyfriend doesn’t change it (or if you don’t get out should he refuse to work on it) is only going to get worse. Out of everything I’ve said, that’s the one thing I know for certain.

Good luck!

Marissa