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"My cousin likes my ex"

I hate this. My cousin had just admitted to me that she likes my ex-boyfriend. She knows that I still like him a lot. She tells me that she wonít do anything with him, but itís still not right. I tried to explain to her that once a friend has a boyfriend (or crush, or ex....) another friend cannot like him.

I told her that I might be getting back with him, and she thinks what Iím doing is messed up because she likes him. I donít know how to explain to her that he is mine(without ruining our friendship), and that she should back off. Please help!!

29 Dec 2004
Name: Britanny
Age: 15

Dear Britanny,

Nothing hurts more than imagining your ex with another person, except maybe imagining him with one of your friends, or in this case, your cousin. But I have to give your cousin credit for being honest with you about her feelings for your ex. And whatís more, she has told you she wonít act on her feelings for him. So what are you angry about? I know exactly the rule youíre talking about Ė it states that we shouldnít date our friends (or relatives) exes, but nowhere does it say we absolutely cannot develop feelings for them. We canít always control who we fall for, and if you find him too fabulous not to date, is it so out of the question your cousin does, too? So perhaps you should reevaluate your anger Ė youíre not upset your cousin is going to go for your ex, because sheís promised you she wonít Ė youíre angry simply because she has a little crush on him of her own and you deem him your territory! And do you think itís possible that your feelings for your ex seem especially intense due to your cousinís newfound crush on him?

I completely understand where youíre coming from, and I do think that explaining to your cousin that youíre not over your ex and it would be all too painful to see him with anyone else right now, but especially her Ė your cousin and such a close friend. Since you two do have a friendship, and with friendship comes care and concern for one anotherís feelings, Iím sure your cousin will be sensitive to your heartache.

But what I do want you to realize is that ex-boyfriend is no longer yours, as you stated above. Not only are you two broken up, but he is his own person, capable of making his own decisions and determining for himself which girls he wants to date. Although heartbreaking and difficult, that is something that within time you are going to have to accept. By the same token, you are now free to choose which guys are worthy of your time and affection. Get excited because thatís a fun and exciting process! Dates, dates and more dates Ė go get Ďem, girl!

Always remember, boys come and go, but friends and relatives are forever.

Good luck!
- Marissa

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