"My dad scares away all my potential dates!"

Dear Audra,

I have a friend whose dad is terrifying. Even I’m afraid of him. I don’t know what it is, but beyond being overprotective of her, he just oozes superiority and self-importance. When I’m around him, I’m constantly on my toes – preparing my responses to his questions in my head, first, before replying to him out loud. And even so, my words still come out all muddled and mangled simply because he makes me so damned nervous! If this is how her dad makes her friends feel, imagine how he makes her boyfriends feel! Not good!

So, as you can see, your problem is a fairly common one. Really, can you blame dads? They just want to protect their little girls and keep them safe and sound always. Although frustrating to you because he’s scaring away all the boys, your dad means well – he’s acting out of love and concern. Kind of like when I was little and used to shower my puppy with love by squeezing her so hard her eyeballs bulged (just a little…), your dad’s got a stronghold on your life; he’s clutching super hard in an effort to keep away the jerks and heartbreakers. Bless him, your dad just never wants to see his precious little girl hurt.

While this is wonderful – after all, don’t we all wish we had a protector to keep us safe from harm and bad-news boys? – it seems your dad, like me with my puppy, may be clutching just a little too hard. Rather than just guarding you from harm, he seems to be guarding you from everything – in other words, your life! As tough as this is for parents (and anyone who cares about us) to understand, we grow and learn through experience. And unfortunately, not all those experiences will be pleasant ones – but therein lies the lesson. We go through difficulties, and we face adversity, and we come out the other side a stronger, more capable person. So, in reality, hardships and traumatic experiences are good for us because they help us to develop and gain self-understanding.

Sounds to me like a talk with your dad is in order – it’s time to let him know that, while you love him so much, and you never want him to stop keeping you safe and protecting you, you wish that maybe he could release his grip just a little bit. Explain to him that you appreciate his love and concern and you never want either to stop, but his overzealousness is scaring away all the boys at school…even the ones you like!

The key to this conversation is approaching it like a mature, responsible adult – that means no whining or whimpering. You need to show you’re your dad that you’re a reliable, responsible, trustworthy adult – an adult who is capable of thinking for herself and making her own choices (good choices!) based on intellect and well-thought out reason. Right now, your dad tries to intimidate the boys because he doesn’t trust them, and he’s not so sure that you’re going to be able to discern the good guys from the ill-intentioned crop. It’s up to you to show him that even if he doesn’t trust them, he can absolutely trust you.

So, before your conversation, I want you to make a list of all the key points you want to cover – coming to the discussion prepared will convey your levels of seriousness and accountability and will show your dad just how much this means to you. Let him know that all you want is just a chance to get to know the boys, without them running away, scared, every time they see your dad round the corner. If he eases up just a little, then maybe these guys will be more inclined to open themselves to you.

And then, aside from the exciting opportunity of getting to know (and maybe date!) a group of new guys, you’ll be able to show your dad that you are capable of making great choices – like picking the nice boys from the not-so-nice ones.

Good luck!

Marissa