"We're always fighting and I don't know how to make my girlfriend happy anymore"

Dear Matthew,

Sounds to me like things with you and your girl have a tendency to spiral wildly out of control. You’ve both got to take a deep breath, relax, determine if you still love each other and want to make it work, then work together to do so.

A few things are going on here. First, I think you guys may be spending too much time together. Sometimes we become so engrossed in our relationships that we forget to focus on the other very important areas of our life. And pretty soon, without ever recognizing it’s happening, our significant other becomes our entire world. Not healthy!

Life is a balancing act – our worlds are full of details and facets, and we need to at least try to give our due attention to all of them. If all you’ve got going on your life is her, and vice versa, then of course you’re going to argue! In a way, I bet you both resent the other for this incredible imbalance. Perhaps subconsciously you’re upset with the other for ‘disallowing’ you to nurture all those other areas of your lives. But really, she’s not preventing you from living your life, and you’re not preventing your girlfriend from living hers. It’s a joint effort! That’s got to stop. You can still live together and spend ample amounts of time together, WHILE developing the other parts of your life too.

Make ‘friend nights’ where you go out with your guys (and she goes with the girls), join a club or charity of some sort where your focus is on a certain activity or helping others (this will take your attention off your relationship and onto something else, at least for a little bit), enroll in classes (whether they be educational or recreational), spend more time with family. Whatever you choose, the point is you must give attention to all the various aspects of your life, rather than just each other.

Secondly, how you’re arguing could be a BIG factor in your problems. There is a right and wrong way to argue, and it seems to me, you two are doing the latter. So how do you argue right? By staying calm, talking to each other rather than yelling, keeping the argument centered on the issue at hand, not bringing up any of your past frustrations or issues in your current fight, and most importantly, by not being nasty and/or saying mean things to the other simply because you’re mad. Doing so will cause the argument to spiral out of control and pretty soon you lose track of what you were even upset about in the first. You become overwhelmed with anger and reach the point of no return – the point where you can no longer look at one another and thoughts of breaking up ensue.

How can you avert reaching this dead-end place? By remaining calm, using your “I” statements (I feel frustrated when…; I feel hurt when…/ “I” statements make you responsible for your own feelings, and rather than place blame, you’re simply telling the other person how you feel. And no one can argue with how you feel – they’re your feelings and therefore, valid.), taking responsibility for your own actions and accepting that you’re at fault too, and finally apologizing for your part.

Also crucial is to listen – I mean REALLY LISTEN – to your partner. Repeat what he or she says to show them you fully understand what they’re saying.  And finally, together, make a plan for how you can prevent this issue from arising in the future – co-create a blueprint for a healthier, happier relationship. Then, help each other stick to it.

Communication is the key to a healthy relationship. When something’s bugging you, talk it out. Otherwise, you’ll bottle it up and I guarantee it will explode at the worst possible time – like the heat of an argument.

Arguments don’t have to be a bad thing – in fact, they can really strengthen your relationship and help you reach new levels of understanding. But they can only do that if you argue fairly. Leave the dirty fights to the boxers and wrestlers.

And remember, even during your fights, you and your partner should ALWAYS be on the same team. Your end-goal should be the same: To create a loving, healthy relationship where both of your needs are met.

Good luck!
Marissa