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"My boyfriend sent dirty text messages to his ex"
I have been seeing a guy for 5 months who is lovely and caring.
I was a little jealous because he was friends with an ex of 9 years but we talked it through and I thought we had moved on.
But one day I found out he had been sending very dirty messages to a woman he went out with for a few weeks before he met me. He said that she had texted to say “happy new year” and it went from there. He met her for coffee, and these messages suggested that the next time they met it would be for a lot more than coffee.
He is adamant that they were texts that meant nothing and it wouldn’t have gone there as it wasn’t any good with her before, but then why would he do it in the first place?
He says he hates blokes that do this sort of thing to women and it was so out of character for him, but he says I didn’t trust him with his ex and that hurt him.
I know I should just walk away, but he has always been so supportive and lovely to me through lots of things and he really seems genuinely upset for the pain and hurt he has caused me.
Am I being stupid to give him one chance and see if we can work through this?
He says he loves me and was the happiest he had been in years with me and this all just got out of hand and meant nothing. But nothing will change the fact that he did it.
2 Feb 2006
Name: Louise
Age: 31
Dear Louise,
Are you stupid to give him one more chance? No. But should you be wary and on your guard? Yes, absolutely.
The way I see it, your guy did what he did with this ex of his for the thrill and excitement of it. Perhaps he’s the type of guy who gets bored easily and needs to create danger and adventure in his life? Clearly he did what he did with the knowledge that he may get caught, and strange as it sounds, that makes the act all the more exhilarating and sweet.
Maybe he never really did intend to follow through and meet up with her, that being said, does it matter? Just the fact that he was secretly sending another woman – his ex, nonetheless – dirty text messages is crime enough!
And here’s something else – it is absolutely not okay for your boyfriend to throw your past jealousy about his ex in your face. That’s an old, dead issue; as you said, the two of you worked through that and have since moved on. In my opinion, this is your boyfriend’s way of taking some of the blame off him and giving it to you! But you’re not the one who sent dirty text messages to your ex, and you’re not the one to blame, so do me a favor and don’t allow him to make you feel guilty.
That being said, if you really love him and want to try to make this relationship work, proceed with caution. Clearly you feel you have something special with this guy that you don’t want to give up. I understand that. Since this was a one-time incident and he says he’s genuinely sorry, I get the fact that you want to give him the benefit of the doubt and see if you can work through it. But please, if this is the route you choose to take, be alert and protect your heart.
Good luck!
Marissa
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