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"He says he loves me but then he disappears"

I was dating this guy for a while, and he ended up hurting me by disappearing, not returning my calls, etc. typical shady guy behavior! We always got along when we were together, and he even said he loved me, but then he would treat me like I was nothing. We did this off and on before I finally snapped and gave him a piece of my mind and let him know exactly what I thought of him.

Well, ever since then, he calls me every couple of months to let me know that he still loves me, is sorry for his earlier behavior, and is sad because it cost him someone he loves. Now he says he wants to commit and be in a relationship with me, and even hinted at marriage. He told me I haven't left his mind at all, and he has had opportunities to date people, but that I am the one he wants to be with. I feel cautious about that because of the past, and told him so.

Every time we are supposed to hang out, though, he doesn't follow through and pulls his disappearing act all over again. He even changed his cell phone number so I can't call him and ask what happened!

I know this shouldn't even bother me, because it is him acting up, and not me, but I do feel hurt, even though I haven't dated him in almost a year now. I can't even decide if I want a relationship with him if I can't see him. The more that he pulls his act, the less I trust him not to do it the next time. Do you know why a guy would do that to someone he says he loves? I don't think he is lying when he says that, but it is hard to be sure.

22 Feb 2006
Name: Cara
Age: 22

Dear Cara,

Even if hes not lying when he says he loves you, do you really want to be with someone whos so careless with your heart?

Its nice that he apologizes profusely for his inconsiderate behavior and tells you how deeply he loves you and that you may even be the one, but you know what would be even nicer than that? If he actually translated those words into actions!

You need to look at his track-record its not so good, is it? Sure, Im a believer of second chances, but only when the recipient of the second chance merits one. This guy does not. Listen to your gut, Cara, you dont need me to tell you what you already know. Walk away now, before you get your heart broken by himagain.

Heres the thing, he probably does care for you a great deal and may even love you, but for whatever reason, hes incapable of acting on those feelings. Perhaps hes scared, or maybe he has deep-rooted issues when it comes to love and relationships that are blocking him from fully loving you (or anyone); whatever the reason, unless you walk away, this cycle of him calling you every few months and declaring his love, but then disappearing the minute you respond, is NOT going to end.

The choice is yours. Stick with him and endure the never-ending cycle, or move on to a man who realizes your incredible worth and is willing to love you completely and unabashedly.

Good luck!

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