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"I can't get over him"
I was with my boyfriend, Aidan, for a month Ė not very long but I was so in love with him and I still am. We did everything together and I was really happy but then he dumped me
He said he didnít feel ready to go steady and wanted to break it off before he hurt me. It's been 3 months since we broke up and I just cant get him out of my head. I still love him. I donít know what to do. Iíve tried everything and it's really bringing me down.
What should I do? Please help.
15 Nov 2006
Talk about a whiplash of emotions Ė you meet someone you really like, develop strong feelings for him, start melding your life together with his, then Ė BOOM! Ė he ends the relationship, leaving you feeling devastated and confused.
When a relationship ends it can be extremely difficult to focus on anything other than the void that the loss has left in our lives. Itís like weíre looking at our lives through the bottom of a dark, cavernous holeÖeverything around is bleak and depressing. We tend to notice everything our lives are lacking, and we canít seem to crawl our way up out of that hole back into the daylight where things are bright and happy again.
The first thing I want you to do is cut yourself some slack Ė what Iím hearing from are you feelings of shame. You think that just because you didnít date that long, and itís already been three months since your breakup, you should be totally over it by now. Well guess what? Everyone heals at his or her own pace. Doesnít matter if you dated for a day or a year. Length of time spent together isnít the issue Ė itís the strength of your feelings for him that count. Not to mention, in the short time you spent with him, your lives became enmeshed Ė you did everything together. So now, beyond just missing him, youíre missing the role he played in your life. Youíre missing the partnership.
After experiencing that kind of deficiency and ensuing void in your life, itís only natural to feel sad. And, as with any type of loss, itís necessary to allow yourself to grieve. Donít feel ashamed or silly about that Ė mourning that loss is the only way youíll reach healing. And, as I always say, the only way out of something is through it, so, as hurtful as it might seem, I believe we have to embrace the aching, endure and feel it fully, before we can finally begin to let it go and move out of the pain.
Once you feel ready Ė and believe me, you will! Ė reclaim your life and make it all about you! Think of all the activities you enjoyed before you met Mr. Not So Wonderful. Why not get back into them again? Or, maybe youíve been wanting to take up Yoga or some other new hobby but due to your relationship (and succeeding broken heart) youíve not had the time or the desire to start Ė well, nowís the time! Simply look Online to find classes in your area, or ask around through your groups of friends to see if, and where, they take their classes.
Speaking of friends, having a solid social circle around you will really help get you through this time, not to mention, theyíll help make life fun again! Whenever Iím down in the dumps, I plan a fun party or get-together with my girls. In fact, just the other week I threw an impromptu OC viewing party and each of my friends brought over a different form of snack food and chocolate. What better way to drown your sorrows than with some good, old-fashioned Summer/Seth love trauma and Oreos cookies?!
Regardless of what you choose to do, little by little, itís imperative you find ways to infiltrate YOU (your wants, needs and desires) back into your life again. Right now, the focus of your life is on your ex, and the hurt that his disappearance from your life has caused you. As long as that remains your point of concentration, I can assure you youíll never get through, or past, the pain.
And hereís where I get a little harsh Ė as much as you feel you still love him (and Iím not discounting that you do), heís made the choice to end things with you. Heís moved on. And we canít very well force or coerce someone to be with us if they donít want to Ė as awful as this feels (and believe me, Iíve been there more than a few times, so I know), youíve got to respect your exís wishes and let him go. Besides, donít you want to be with someone who wants to be with you equally as much? Why waste your time and energy pining over someone who doesnít feel the same? Take it from me Ė itís so much more fun (and productive!) to crush on a guy who reciprocates your feelings!
Lastly, keep in mind that this is YOUR life. YOU are in control Ė not your ex, not any of your friends, no one but you. You dictate your thoughts, feelings, emotions, etc. Do not ever give away that power Ė never allow another human being to make you feel a certain way. Only YOU should have that power over you. When a guy hurts me I think, ďI refuse to let him devastate me. How I feel is MY choice, and I choose to feel fine.Ē Say it to yourself over and over again Ė itís a very powerful feeling to know that you, and no one else, controls your feelings and emotions.