"I can't get over him"

Dear Danielle,

Talk about a whiplash of emotions – you meet someone you really like, develop strong feelings for him, start melding your life together with his, then – BOOM! – he ends the relationship, leaving you feeling devastated and confused.

When a relationship ends it can be extremely difficult to focus on anything other than the void that the loss has left in our lives. It’s like we’re looking at our lives through the bottom of a dark, cavernous hole…everything around is bleak and depressing. We tend to notice everything our lives are lacking, and we can’t seem to crawl our way up out of that hole back into the daylight where things are bright and happy again.

The first thing I want you to do is cut yourself some slack – what I’m hearing from are you feelings of shame. You think that just because you didn’t date that long, and it’s already been three months since your breakup, you should be totally over it by now. Well guess what? Everyone heals at his or her own pace. Doesn’t matter if you dated for a day or a year. Length of time spent together isn’t the issue – it’s the strength of your feelings for him that count. Not to mention, in the short time you spent with him, your lives became enmeshed – you did everything together. So now, beyond just missing him, you’re missing the role he played in your life. You’re missing the partnership.

After experiencing that kind of deficiency and ensuing void in your life, it’s only natural to feel sad. And, as with any type of loss, it’s necessary to allow yourself to grieve. Don’t feel ashamed or silly about that – mourning that loss is the only way you’ll reach healing. And, as I always say, the only way out of something is through it, so, as hurtful as it might seem, I believe we have to embrace the aching, endure and feel it fully, before we can finally begin to let it go and move out of the pain.

Once you feel ready – and believe me, you will! – reclaim your life and make it all about you! Think of all the activities you enjoyed before you met Mr. Not So Wonderful. Why not get back into them again? Or, maybe you’ve been wanting to take up Yoga or some other new hobby but due to your relationship (and succeeding broken heart) you’ve not had the time or the desire to start – well, now’s the time! Simply look Online to find classes in your area, or ask around through your groups of friends to see if, and where, they take their classes.

Speaking of friends, having a solid social circle around you will really help get you through this time, not to mention, they’ll help make life fun again! Whenever I’m down in the dumps, I plan a fun party or get-together with my girls. In fact, just the other week I threw an impromptu OC viewing party and each of my friends brought over a different form of snack food and chocolate. What better way to drown your sorrows than with some good, old-fashioned Summer/Seth love trauma and Oreos cookies?!

Regardless of what you choose to do, little by little, it’s imperative you find ways to infiltrate YOU (your wants, needs and desires) back into your life again. Right now, the focus of your life is on your ex, and the hurt that his disappearance from your life has caused you. As long as that remains your point of concentration, I can assure you you’ll never get through, or past, the pain.

And here’s where I get a little harsh – as much as you feel you still love him (and I’m not discounting that you do), he’s made the choice to end things with you. He’s moved on. And we can’t very well force or coerce someone to be with us if they don’t want to – as awful as this feels (and believe me, I’ve been there more than a few times, so I know), you’ve got to respect your ex’s wishes and let him go. Besides, don’t you want to be with someone who wants to be with you equally as much? Why waste your time and energy pining over someone who doesn’t feel the same? Take it from me – it’s so much more fun (and productive!) to crush on a guy who reciprocates your feelings!

Lastly, keep in mind that this is YOUR life. YOU are in control – not your ex, not any of your friends, no one but you. You dictate your thoughts, feelings, emotions, etc. Do not ever give away that power – never allow another human being to make you feel a certain way. Only YOU should have that power over you. When a guy hurts me I think, “I refuse to let him devastate me. How I feel is MY choice, and I choose to feel fine.” Say it to yourself over and over again – it’s a very powerful feeling to know that you, and no one else, controls your feelings and emotions.

Good luck!
Marissa