"He left me for a 13-year-old"

Dear Riley,

First off, big hugs to you. I’m so sorry for what you’re going through – heartbreak hurts so much, I know. The pain can be so overwhelming and it feels like no one else in the world understands. I think, in part, that’s why we reach out to our ex after we breakup – because we know he or she is the only other person in the world who shares our feelings and empathizes with our anguish.

That being said, although we think speaking to our ex immediately following a breakup will make us feel better, it usually has just the opposite effect. No matter how close you are, or how many months or years you spent together, in order to properly heal, there should always be a post-breakup separation period where you don’t communicate with, or see, your ex. It seems to me your ex-boyfriend understands this; he realizes that speaking to one another will only intensify the pain and make the healing process longer and more difficult.

After a break-up, it’s important we deal with our feelings – for instance, I like to spend countless nights curled up on the couch, crying, with my good friends, Ben & Jerry – and then, through our process of facing the pain, emoting and getting it all out, something amazing begins to happen: we start to feel better. But if we’re in constant communication with our ex, we’ll never fully be able to move past our feelings of grief and sadness – each time we talk all our misery and longing will come rushing back to the forefront, and we’ll never be able to let go of the pain (or our hope for rekindled romance). So, although tough, not speaking to one another (for now) really is the best thing.

What I find exasperating about this situation is that your ex has told you that he would eventually like to marry you, but he’s just not interested in dating you right now. Um, what?! Not cool, my friend, not cool at all – what are you supposed to do in the meantime, then? Hide yourself away in some secluded closet (you know, so no other boy can steal you away from Mr. Eventually) just waiting for the day he finally decides he’s ready to be with you again? Uh-huh. No way!

Although I know you want more than anything for him to coming running back to you, or for it to be 10 years from now and the two of you are happily married, I’m sorry to say it, but for now, you’ve got to quell those desires and move on with your life. Don’t get me wrong – he may decide he’s been a total fool (because he has!) and that he wants to be with you again. But he also may not. And if he doesn’t, the last thing you want to do is waste your precious time just waiting around – missing out on fun time with your friends, an active dating life, etc. – in the hopes that maybe he’ll change his mind.

As for him being 17 and going after a 13-year-old girl – I’m right there with ya, sister. Ew. But then again, to each his own. Perhaps your mom is right; maybe he is acting out of rebellion. I don’t know the situation or what his family life is like enough to comment on that. But what it does sound like to me is that your boy is severely lacking self-esteem.

Clearly, he doesn’t believe he’s worthy of you. That’s why he says things to you like, “How can you be sure you want to be with me, when you haven’t been with anyone else.” A valid point, yes, but the underlying message I’m hearing is, “I don’t understand why you choose me. I’m not worthy of you, and I fear that as you get older, and meet more men, you’ll find other guys you think are more attractive or that you’re better suited for, and you’ll want to leave me.” So, in essence, I think perhaps he’s leaving you (and thus hurting you) before you have a chance to leave and hurt him (which, in his opinion, due to his lack of confidence, you undoubtedly will).

No wonder self-esteem is such an attractive trait – this whole, “I’m not worthy, let me leave you before you leave me” thing is really ugly, huh?

But whatever the case, do you really want to be with someone who doesn’t value or respect you enough to hold on to you at all costs? Or who lets his crippling self-doubt prevent him from being with you and building a future together?

It sounds to me like your ex has a lot of issues to worth through, both personally and with his family, before he’ll be able to build and conduct healthy and mutually satisfying relationships with anybody – including this new girl. In fact, I think maybe he’s with her because it’s easier. Because unlike you, she doesn’t know all his issues and what’s going on with his family, so she doesn’t make him think about them and help him be a bigger or better person. Where you remind him of his reality, she lets him escape. You make him face life and all his issues and insecurities and she allows him to embrace and get lost in them. Not so healthy, right? Sounds to me like the easy route – he gets to be with somebody, but without all the implications and intensity of a real relationship (especially seeing as how she’s a mere 13 and he’s going away to university next year. Sounds temporary to me…we’ll see).

Does he miss you? Of course he does! After all, you spent three years together and you probably know him better than anyone else. Your absence has left an incredible void in his life – and you can find solace in knowing that whatever you’re feeling and going through, even if he manages to repress and/or ignore it, he’s feeling and going through it, too. I guarantee it. But even so, that doesn’t mean he’s able to be with you right now.

Everyone has his or her own path to follow. And as wayward as it may seem to you, your ex must go through this. He must go down this path, even it it’s unhealthy and wrong (which, who knows, it may not be), in order to learn the lessons he’s meant to learn and grow from the experiences. Just as you’re in this predicament now for the same reasons – to learn and grow.

In the meantime, as I’ve said, take with you the knowledge that he misses and cares about you, and move on. Start hanging out with your friends again, go to parties, get together with family, surround yourself with people who love you, exercise, do yoga, take a crafts class, date, go on vacation – whatever it takes to make your life happier, healthier, more well-rounded and best of all...all about YOU!

Hang in there.

Good luck!

Marissa