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"I'm a 20-year-old virgin"

I'm a 20-year-old virgin but all of my friends think that I am not.

In the past I lied and never told anyone better. Now I am too scared to and I know it will destroy my social status if anyone is to find this out. I get too nervous just thinking about this when I am with a partner and always end up making some excuse to mess up the situation.

Please help me if you can.

22 Mar 2006
Name: Dennis
Age: 20

Dear Dennis,

I hate how over the years, due to movies and TV shows that emphasize the importance of losing our virginity by a certain age, sex has become more about social status and coming-of-age than it is about the actual act itself. And sex, as an act, is really about physical, and hopefully emotional, intimacy between two people; not about the prospect of joining some secret “NLV” (No Longer Virgins!) society with your friends!

So you’re 20-years-old and you’re still a virgin; so what? Despite what you think, or what you’ve been led to believe, you’re not the last or oldest guy in the Universe to have never had sex before! I know plenty of people – both guys and girls – much older than you who are still virgins. I know it’s tough, especially when the influence from media and friends is all around you, but you’ve got to get over this whole “I’m 20 and still a virgin; woe is me!” hang up. Holding on to that is only going to make you more self-conscious and frustrated; simply stated, it’s never going to get you anywhere…and it certainly won’t lead you to your desired crush’s bed.  Know what I mean? So let it go.

And what’s more, if you’re lying about your sexual history because you’re embarrassed you’ve never actually done it, then don’t you think it’s possible some of your other friends are, too? In fact, one of the most common lies people tell one another is about their sexual pasts; we either lie because we feel we’ve had too many partners, or we fib and say we’ve had more than we actually have. Regardless, you’re not alone; something to think about when you’re feeling like you’re the only one of your friends who hasn’t had sex.

And the reason you’re feeling so uncomfortable every time you get close to sex with a girl is because rather than viewing sex for what it is, the most personal experience you can have with another human being, you’re thinking about it in terms of doing it to gains social status or simply just to get the act done and over with so you can say, “I did it!” You’ve really got to switch your frame of mind; stop stressing that you’re the only one of your friends who hasn’t done it (I’m certain that’s not true, anyway!). Not only is focusing on that a waste of energy, it’s ruining your mojo! It’s totally detracting from your sexual desires and ability to even do it at all (with the right person of course)!

Here’s the thing – when you meet someone worthy of your virginity, you’ll know.  You really will. And because she’ll be the right person (and maybe you’ll have spent ample time getting to know one another), you’ll feel comfortable telling her that that you’ve never done it before.  And what’s more, in being so open and honest about something that’s bogged you down for so long, you’ll feel the weight of the world lift from your shoulders, and you’ll actually be able to enjoy the experience!

And that’s what it’s all about. Not gaining social status or joining the NLV secret society, but about sharing an intimate experience with someone else and enjoying the pleasures of good sex!

Good luck!

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