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"Do I choose my ex or new guy?"

For the past year or so, I've had a very steady boyfriend and we did a lot together, spent a lot of time together and such, but a couple of months ago I met up with a guy I'd been talking to on MSN, we had a lot in common, loved music, band etc. So we hung out in town, and I thought it was fun and dandy, but I received nasty emails from my boyfriend saying he'd seen me all over this other guy.

His accusations were farfetched I just told him he was being insecure. He seemed to get over it and we moved on, but that wasn't the case. He'd bring it up every time he got the chance to throw it in my face, calling me a cheating, lying, nasty girl. I kept going back to him and forgiving him and it's gotten to the point I just don't go out of my way to talk to him.

Since then, I've gotten a lot of attention from guys I didn't even notice existed, but apparently so. One in particular caught my attention, a week ago, and we've been going out ever since. He gives me loads of attention and I'm head over heels with his happy and playful nature, I don't think I've ever gotten this much attention before.

But this amazing feeling is starting to feel farfetched; my ex has come back and is apparently still in love with me, asking me to go places with him and stuff. I have been over him ever since I detected him hating me pretty much but I don't think he's been the same way.

Now I'm afraid that I don't really like my new boyfriend and that he's just a cover for my feelings towards my ex.

Please help me!

11 Sept 2006
Name: Heather
Age: 17

Dear Heather,

It seems to me that the problem isn't so much about which guy you're supposed to be with, but rather, it's an issue of being uncertain with yourself.

We can't determine what type of guy, or relationship, we want unless we're aware of our own needs and desires first. Essentially, we have to know ourselves before we can enter into a stable and healthy relationship with someone else. Otherwise, there's a great chance we'll just magically morph into the person we think our significant other wants us to be. We've all been there – acted in certain ways, dressed in certain styles and listened to certain music (among other things) in an effort to make ourselves more appealing to our boyfriends or girlfriends.

We do it because we want them to like us – and as long as we're not certain ourselves of who we are, morphing into our partner's clone is easy (too easy!) to do. So you see, it's imperative that we spend time with ourselves to learn
just who we are. If we're not sure of our own personality, our likes
and dislikes, and in general, what makes us tick, how are we supposed to pull our weight in a mutually loving and equal partnered
relationship? It's impossible!

The key is first gaining confidence in ourselves, and then
understanding what types of behaviors we're willing to put up with,
and consequently set boundaries so we're never treated in a manner less than we deserve.

Want the truth? I don't think either of these guys is right for you.
At least not right now. Rather than choosing between guys you're
really not sure about, I think that right now, it should be ALL ABOUT YOU.

Think about it, you're trying two decide between two guys -- one
whom you've already dated and broken up with and another who showers you with attention and so you think he should make your heart flutter, but…he doesn't. No to both! The choice is simple. Pick you!

Sit the relationship-bench for a while and take some time to hang with yourself, your family and your friends. Really work on getting to know you – figure this out, and pretty soon everything will start
getting a lot clearer (not that it's ever crystal clear, mind you!
Life is a learning process – I'm still being educated myself!). But
once you have a more solid vision of who you are, it'll be a lot
easier to figure out what kind of guys you want to date.

And not only that, but self-aware women have men knocking down their doors because they're confident – and confidence truly is the single-most attractive characteristic any of us can exude.

Start a journal, go on a weekend retreat alone or with a few close
friends, enroll in a new class, join a soccer league (or whatever sport your enjoy), try out for a dance team, help out at a local charity – the point is, whatever you do, do it for you. This is the time to make life about you.

Do this, and eventually, when the right guy(s) comes along I guarantee you'll know. Not because he lavishes you with attention (although he may!), and not because you share a history together so it's comfortable (again, you may!), but because you'll be at a place in your life where you're so familiar with yourself, that you'll finally be able to recognize the traits you're looking for, and steadfastly require, in a relationship.

Good luck!
Marissa

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