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"He's great with my kids but won't commit to me"
I have a male friend that I've known for 3 and a half years and while I consider him a close friend, it seems like the longer I know him, the more complicated he becomes. I'm usually good at reading people but I can’t figure him out and it's hard because I'm so in love with him, I can't think straight and I want to tell him how I feel but I don't know how he'd receive it and I've been hurt in the past, I don’t want to deal with rejection. I'm a single mom and he's extremely dedicated to my children, pretty much the only father figure they have which is funny because he's afraid of commitment yet my children are a priority to him but when it comes to me, he runs hot one minute and cold the next. He sends sweet messages through the phone and e-mail but when we're face to face it's more like 'hey buddy' and I don’t know what to make of it. What should I do? I love this man and want to be with him but I'm not sure how to go about getting there.
12 Jan 2005
Name: Sarah
Age: 30
Dear Sarah:
My initial reaction is one of worry for your children. While I think it’s great that this man spends time with and adores your children, his commitment-phobia makes me think that any day he might split from all your lives leaving your kids hurt, bitter and confused.
As nice as he is to your kids – and sometimes to you – I think this guy is using your family for his own purposes. To me it sounds like he wants to be a father, but doesn’t want the commitment of marriage or romantic relationship that goes along with starting his own family. Therefore, he’s latched onto your already established family to fulfill his desired role as “father-figure.”
In doing what’s best for both yourself and your children, you need to openly discuss all your concerns with this guy. And if he gets freaked out and leaves, while it will be painful for both you and your kids, it would hurt much more if it happened further down the road. So in the interest of your children, I suggest getting to the bottom of his intentions sooner rather than later.
And if his intentions are dishonorable, in the long run you’ll be glad you said goodbye to him now, rather than in the future when he’s even more intertwined in your children’s lives.
Good luck!
-Marissa
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