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"My boyfriend rejects me everytime I initiate sex"
I've been in a serious relationship for the past 2 1/2 years. For the first year and a half it was a long-distance relationship. Everything was fine. I was more than happy. And then he proposed. We got engaged and finally got a place together. We've been living together for over 4 months and we basically have no sexual relationship at all.
We started out very sexual and now it's maybe twice a month, which makes me very upset and left feeling rejected. I've tried to make it spontaneous or different and he says "no" or "get off". Never once does he say "yes". We never kiss. I mean really kiss. We give each other a peck on the lips. The only time we do have sex is when he wants it, which like I stated before, is not very often. And even then, the many times I am rejected, I feel like he's only doing it to shut me up.
We have been having slight relationship problems, but normal - bills and such.But our biggest problem is the sex. And to me, it's a big deal. But to him, it's not. I tried explaining how important it is for us to communicate better. To just sit down and talk about how we feel. But every time I do that, I feel like I'm talking to a wall. I don't get very much response.
I know he loves me but I'm beginning to think he's not "in love" with me. I feel unattractive and angry. I get so angry when I think about this sometimes I just want to throw something. I need help. How can I save our relationship? Or should I just get out?
12 Jan 2006
Name: Samantha
Age: 22
Dear Samantha,
Fighting about bills?
Although some people are fine without it, for others a sex life is an important part of a happy, healthy relationship, and not only are you missing out on this, but your partner – the man you look to for love and appreciation – is constantly turning down your sexual advances; of course you feel rejected and hurt and are constantly wondering, “what’s wrong with me?”
As it turns out, the answer is nothing. In fact, it probably has a lot less to do with you than you think.
It sounds to me like the sex is a cover for an even bigger problem brewing beneath the surface. I don’t think your boyfriend’s problem is physical at all; I think it’s an emotional issue. And the fact that he shuts down when you try to communicate with him tells me that either he doesn’t want to deal with whatever’s bugging him, or – and this is more common among men than you may think – he doesn’t even realize something’s bothering him.
Since the two of you are engaged and heading towards a conjugal future together, this problem definitely needs to be addressed before you reach the altar.
Most importantly, he needs to be willing to make things better. If he’s not, than honey, I’d think twice about giving this man such a big role in your future. But if he is, if he really wants to fix your relationship and work on himself, too, then I’d suggest seeking both premarital counseling as well as one-on-one therapy.
He needs to resolve the emotional issues that are causing him to push you away, and you need to work through the anger and resentment you feel from being physically dismissed by your fiancé.
Hopefully the end result will be the construction of a solid marital foundation built on open lines of communication and an abundance of love. But if this isn’t the outcome you get, and if he’s not willing to at least try to make things better, be prepared to walk away.
Good luck!
Marissa
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