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"He told me I was too possessive"

There's this guy at school, and for the past few months I have been falling in love with him, the feelings I have are really strong. Here's the thing, we were never technically going out, a few months back I called him my fiancé and it stuck, he called me his fiancé, and he'd flirt with me in all kinds of ways, like I started calling him stud, and then he turned round and called me studette! It was so romantic, he was always wanting to be near me and always trying to make me laugh, and I thought things were going pretty well.

But then one day he turned round and told me I was too possessive! And asked why I cared about him so much, I got upset and even went to church, I got a few answers but I still don't know how he feels about me. All I know is that a girl turned round to him and confronted him about our relationship, and I think this might have made him nervous?

8 Feb 2005
Name: Cady
Age: 17

Dear Cady,

I think it’s very obvious that your “fiancé” is crushing on you big time! He’s always vying for your attention, wants to be near you, makes up little nicknames with you…if that’s not flirtation 101, than I don’t know what is!

The problem is that he’s insecure and thus very concerned with what other people think of him. And this is not uncommon in adolescence; after all, it’s a rough time. I know, I’ve been there! We all want people to like us and think we’re cool. So as much as this guy likes you, when this other girl confronted him about your relationship it probably made him feel like his cool-ness and likeability was being questioned. Not to mention, he totally felt put on the spot and flustered! So in order to redeem himself, in his opinion, he had to start being aloof and telling you that you were too possessive!

Aside from saying “shame on him” because you have only been responding to his overt flirtatiousness, my opinion is that you should do what he thinks he wants you to do, and that’s back off. And I stress that ‘this is what he thinks he wants you to do,’ because once you actually do it, he’s going to miss you so much and realize that despite the abovementioned girl’s comment, he actually does want you around!

While I’m not one for condoning game-playing, in this situation, I think it will help. So from now on, give him space, quit calling him “stud,” and make him work for your affection, because right now, it’s disposable to him since he knows he has it no matter what! So work it girl – make him miss you, crave you, desire you and want you! And most importantly, make him earn you!

Good luck!

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