"Is it smart to get involved with my ex again?"

Dear Tori,

If you want to go forward, I advise you do so with caution. Could your ex’s heart be in the right place and his intentions genuine? Yes, absolutely. But it could also be that there’s a certain comfort level between you (after all, you both know the other inside and out – there’s no awkwardness and nervous tension that’s so characteristic of meeting and being with someone new) and being together is simply easy.

What concerns me here is that your objectives and rationale for hanging out and starting up a physical relationship again could be very different. While you’re hoping for reconciliation and a second chance at love with him, I fear that getting back together is the last thing your ex has on his mind (with the first being…well…sex.)

As you stated to me, when the two of you broke up it was because he started blowing you off and didn’t have the time to give to making your relationship work. And sure, it’s great that now he’s back and wants to hang again and he’s telling you he wants to continuously see you, but as far as I’m concerned, if you’re going to allow him back into your heart, then he’s got to prove it to you that he deserves to be there! He hurt you badly before – dismissed you when his schedule got hectic. You want to be absolutely certain that if you’re going to open yourself up to him again, his intentions are pure. Otherwise, I fear you’ll be well on your way to heartbreak #2.The Heartbreaker: Your ex.

It would be one thing if both of your heads and hearts were in the same place. If both of you were only interested in a sexual relationship – exes with benefits – then I’d say, go for it. Why not? If that’s truly all either of you want, then have your fun. But unfortunately, that doesn’t seem to be what’s going on here. Not to say that he’s for sure not interested in rekindling romance, but quite honestly, if he were, don’t you think he’d be trying a little harder? As I said before, due to the past he’s got a lot to prove. And if he wanted to be with you again, I’d sure as hell hope he’d call you, shower you with attention, ask for plans, and generally court you in a way that says, “I’m really into you; I respect you; I’m sorry for the past, but I want to start fresh.”

But he’s not doing that.

To answer your question – no, you don’t have to be the one to initiate. You know where you stand, but you don’t know where he does. So if he’s so into you and truly wants to be with you again, then my advice is to let him come to you. And if he does, if he starts courting you and treating you with love and respect, then great! Go for it!  And you’ll be able to go forth and start up a romance again with all the confidence in the world that that’s genuinely what he wants. And if he doesn’t, well, it’ll hurt, yes. But it won’t hurt nearly as much as it would to get yourself emotionally involved again, only to be rudely written off and cast aside.

Follow your heart, definitely, but heed your intellect and intuition.If you’re seeing red flags, heed the warning.

Good luck!
Marissa