"My husband has no sex drive"

Dear Jessica,

First things first, I want you to realize that your husband’s lack of sexual desire has nothing to do with you. Feeling rejected and hurt when our partner doesn’t want to engage in sex with us is, of course, only natural. But as you’ve told me, your husband’s disinterest in sex didn’t start with you, and if it continues to go untreated, it certainly won’t end with you either.

What I want you to realize is that his lack of sexual desire isn’t about him thinking you’re unattractive, rather, it’s about him suffering from a sexual disorder. Jessica, I’m convinced that even if all Hef’s playboy bunnies were standing right in front of him, your husband still wouldn’t feel aroused.

The problem of little to no sex drive in men can be psychological, physical, or a mixture of both. Psychologically, your husband may have performance worry, fear of physical intimacy, hang-ups about his sexuality and/or body, untreated depression or perhaps he’s gone through other types of sad or traumatic experiences in his life that have left him void of any sexual craving.

Physically, maybe your husband’s testosterone level is low; men with low levels of this hormone have very low sexual desire. Other types of physical ailments that could lower your husband’s sex drive are chronic pain, any sort of disruption to his hormonal balance, fatigue and/or lethargy.

Another thought, when we refuse to face something for so long, sometimes our anxiety about it becomes worse than the actual problem. For your husband, this issue has gone untreated for such an extended amount of time, that he’s allowed his concern about it to become bigger than he is. His anxiety about it is so intense, that emotionally, he finds his sexual disinterest impossible to confront.

But, for both your sakes, and in order to save your marriage, it is absolutely necessary that he does.

Why is your husband so hesitant to finally go to the doctor and get treated? Because as a man, society says he’s supposed to have unlimited carnal desires; he’s supposed to want sex all the time. And because he doesn’t, he feels emasculated, like less of a man. And in going to the doctor, he’ll have to admit – out loud – to someone other than you that he has no sexual desire.

So how do you get him to take the plunge and make an appointment? I think your friend, with her ultimatum idea, has a point. While I don’t think it’s necessary to move out or “separate” until he finally decides to get help, I do think you need to sit him down and explain to him just how much this is affecting you and your marriage. But you need to do so in a way that doesn’t make him feel embarrassed or ashamed, because I promise you, he already feels both those emotions intensely.

So you need to show him that you’re on his team and that no matter what, you love him. As chauvinistic as this may sound, build up his manliness; make him feel masculine and strong and let him know how important he is to you. I’m telling you right now, without this type of support system, he’s never going to seek the help that he (and you!) desperately need.

As for medical treatment, I suggest he see a doctor as well as a psychotherapist. Although I’m inclined to think the issue is a physical one, clearly there are a lot of emotional and psychological factors at play here too. As for the two of you, I might even seek couples counseling until you get your relationship – both the physical and emotional aspects of it – back on track.

Good luck!

Marissa