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"Is my relationship over?"

I have been in a relationship for almost three years. Recently my partner got jealous at a message that an admirer had sent me and he asked me for some space because he doubts how I feel (I love him and I don't want to lose him).

It has been two months that he asked me for space to rethink where he wants to go; he did not want to speak or see me for a month, and then he started to write me messages but does not talk about us. His clothes and baby pictures are still in my house and now we message each other almost everyday but we do not get around to touch the subject of us.

Are we over?

20 Sep 2006
Name: Margaret
Age: 25

Dear Margaret,

Holding onto each other’s personal belongings and messaging each other every day? It certainly doesn’t sound like your relationship is over to me!

What’s going on here is that your boyfriend is simply feeling a little jealous and very insecure due to that note you received from your admirer. Think about it – now he knows that his girlfriend is wanted by other guys! If he were uber-confident in both himself and your feelings for him, chances are this wouldn’t bother him. In fact, he’d probably find it really cool that other guys are after his girl, yet HE’S the one who gets to go home with her at the end of the night.

But that’s not the case. Instead, this whole ordeal has made him even more uncertain of himself and your relationship. So he asked for space, not because he has to think about what he wants (clearly, he wants YOU!), but because he’s trying to save face. He’s all in a tizzy that with this other guy into you (and in his mind, one guy who's into you leads to two, two leads to a 100, etc.) you may decide he’s not good enough for you. In his eyes, all of a sudden you have your pick of the litter – and what happens, then, if your pick isn’t him?!

See where I’m going with this? By telling you he needs space, your boyfriend has attempted to ditch you, before you can ditch him (you know, for the 100 other admirers out there all vying for your attention!).

But the funny thing here, is that it’s so obvious your boy doesn’t really want space from you – if he did, why would he still be calling and messaging you every day? And, the whole reason he asked for space had nothing to do with him not wanting to be with you anymore, but rather, his concerns that YOU didn’t want to be with HIM!

To me, the answer is simple. You’ve got to tell him how you feel. He’s worried about getting burned – his feelings for you were never in question. So therefore, he’s not going to be the one to speak up about your relationship, or getting things back on track. He needs to hear from you that you still care about him and want to be with him. Otherwise, you’re headed for a long future of instant messaging and nothing else!

I know it may seem archaic, but this is definitely one instance when you’ve just gotta stroke the boy’s ego. He feels rejected. So you just have to let him know that he’s the one for you and that you don’t care about that letter from the admirer – in fact, he probably has admirers of his own, too! Tell him all that matters is that you like him, he likes you, and you miss him and want to be with him again. That oughta do the trick!

Good luck!

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