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"My ex is juggling me and another girl"
I was in my first serious relationship with a guy for about 7 months on and off last year. The first time we were together was amazing. I could talk to him about anything and we always had a good time together, barely ever fought. Things were going great until I left for a trip and he suddenly changed his mind. The night I returned from the trip he broke up with me and he kept changing reasons why he did. Of course, the first thing on my mind was that he had found another girl and fell head over heels for her...he told me absolutely not. So we broke up and didn't end up speaking for 3 months.
When we finally started talking again, I found out there actually WAS another girl. Still missing what we had, I took him back and forgave him and we dated over the summer. Things weren't the fairytale they were before, but we did have a great summer together.
Deciding it was for the best, we agreed at the beginning of the summer that it would be best to break off the commitment when he left for college, although we’d only be 45 minutes away from each other. The main reason though was that going to new places and meeting new people would be hard to do while still dating.
We talked for the first few weeks of school, and then about a month later he sends me an e-mail saying how much he misses me, etc. Once again we start talking for hrs on end. Then one day we agreed that we both should see each other again and 'hang out'. Well, the day before we were supposed to he tells me that he didn't want to hurt anything in our friendship (what friendship?) and it's best if we don't do any fooling around, which was really awkward all around. Then about 2 or 3 days later I get curious and check his profile online while talking to him and he's got a list of compliments/sex bribes/love yous to the girl that he first broke up with for me!
So, that was it. Pissed beyond belief for him just trying to use me because he couldn't get any, I started screaming at him online and telling him off for doing such a thing. He disagreed saying that they're not 'together'(BS)"just dating with no commitments." So once again, we stop talking. Now Xmas break rolls around and she comes to visit him.
I can't take it anymore. I know it's not my business to be meddling with his life now but it kills me that he's just switching between us, but at the same time I truly miss the relationship we had when things were good. But also, I'm so jealous that I can't get over it! I don't think I want him back, but I miss him somehow and it kills me to see him with another girl. Also a little afraid that the next guy I meet won't compare, I've already had it happen once. Any ideas for getting myself out of this too-long-rut?
5 Jan 2005
Name: Sarah
Age: 16
Dear Sarah,
Not only have I been in your shoes, but I can count at least 4 close girlfriends of mine who have also. So with open arms I welcome you to our fabulous, VIP “heartbroken honeys” club. After asking the other members what they thought of your situation, we all come to one conclusive decision: get rid of him!
The most important thing to realize in this situation is that all your wonderful memories with him are just that – memories. And sometimes memories are so heartwarming and amazing that we want to pull them out of the past and relive them, but we both know that this is impossible (at least for a few more years until science perfects a working time machine).
The truth is, is that neither you nor your ex-boyfriend are the same people you were when you first dated – and that’s absolutely, 100% normal! Naturally, people grow and change. And so you’re not missing the person he is now, you’re missing who he once was. And back in the day when you two first dated and things seemed perfectly blissful, it was because the “old you” and the “old him” meshed. You were at the same place maturity-wise and emotionally. But perhaps now the new people you’ve both grown into don’t connect in that same way.
And although difficult, growth is a necessary part of life – and in order to continue your progression, you must let go of your ex so you can reach the next phase of your life. Imagine a snake that sheds his skin. Although uncomfortable and painful, the maturing snake grows a new skin that suits him much better. While you’re not a snake (or at least I don’t think you are), the same goes for you. While comfortable and secure, release your ex so you may grow into the person you’re meant to become, and find a new man who fits that new you much better.
At first, letting go is going to hurt. There’s no way around that. But try to keep yourself busy with activities, and surround yourself with friends and family who make you smile.
There are some great guys out there (mixed in with a few scummy ones, of course!) and you are missing out on meeting them because you’re too busy pining over your ex. Once you stop obsessing and get back out there, I think you’re going to find that it’s your ex that doesn’t compare to all the new fabulous guys!
The more you keep going back to him the more you’re going to get hurt. And wouldn’t you rather be happy?
Good luck and hang in there!
-Marissa
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