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"I paid for his trip and now he might not come!"
My boyfriend and I are both in the military. He is stationed in Florida and I am in South Korea. When I first got here everything was great and we didn't have any problems. Then slowly we started arguing, about stupid things. Then it seemed like he never had any time to talk to me and was always too busy just to say "hi." When I tried to talk to him about it, he always got mad and said that I was nagging him. We'd be fine for a while, and then we'd get into another argument. Before I left, he was going to come to Korea for Christmas and we were even talking about getting married, well he was, and I wasn't sure how I felt about it. It wasn't that I don't love him, but I'm going to Germany after here and he'll be in Kansas and I'll be getting deployed to Iraq as soon as I get there. He was still coming here for Christmas up until Thanksgiving when we got into an argument.
This time I told him that I felt I was the only one really trying. I searched for the plane ticket; I bought it, and found a hotel. All he had to do was buy his passport and so when I asked him, it took him 3 weeks to do it. Then I needed him to fax a copy of his military I.D. but that again took 2 weeks.
He was at his parents when we got into the fight, so he explained what happened to them. His mom didn't want him to come in the first place because she wants him to be at home for Christmas, and now she keeps telling him no, that she'll be too worried about him. He is 21 years old and I understand that his mom has a huge impact on him, but he's a grown man and should do what he wants. This may be the last time we'd get to see each other for maybe 6 months to a year.
Plus now he's said that he doesn't want us to have a title, but he still wants to be close and he doesn't want to see any other girls. He still says "I love you" and he keeps saying that he misses me and wants to see me. I don't want to just be friends and I don't get the whole "no title" thing. I really do love him, and I've said I was sorry for the fight, but I think I'm taking too much of the blame. It’s getting close to time when he is supposed to get here, and I need to know if he is coming or not. He never gives me a yes or no, it’s always "I don't know, we'll talk about it later."
I don't know how to talk to him and ask him without him getting mad at me or really what to say, but if he's not going to come I want to try and get my money back for the ticket. The ticket was $1100 and he was going to pay for half. Now I don't know how to say, if you're not coming I need to know and if I can't get my money you owe me $550. Is he feeding me a bunch of crap? Do you think he is seeing other girls? I don't want to wait around for him forever, especially if he's just going to date others while he expects me not to. He can't have his cake and eat it too.
12 Dec 2005
Name: Confused
Age: 20
Dear Confused,
Listen to yourself and follow your own intuition – it sounds to me like you already know exactly what you should do.
Stop tiptoeing around this subject with him. You have every right to openly discuss not only your relationship with him, but his tentative trip out to see you. How dare he let you pay for the entire trip and then not give you a definite answer of whether he’s coming or not?! That’s beyond insensitive – it’s plain rude!
It sounds to me like your guy is making excuses because he’s too chicken to tell you flat-out that he doesn’t want to come. It could very well be his mother’s influence that’s keeping him grounded in the States (and by the way, if that’s the case, I agree with you – at 21 he should be making decisions for himself), or it could be that the long-distance is taking its toll on him.
Many people, including myself, can’t handle long-distance relationships. They’re difficult because you want so badly to physically touch, see, smell, etc. your significant other, and when you can’t, it severely depresses you. While you guy’s feelings for you may be just as strong as they were before you left, perhaps not visiting you, along with removing your “relationship” title, is his defense mechanism; his way of preventing himself from getting hurt.
It seems like he loves you, and if he’s telling the truth, then he doesn’t want to date other girls. So I believe it’s the physical distance between you that’s causing him to emotionally distance himself. Even though you’d think if he missed you so much he’d jump at the chance to see you, it’s actually the opposite. He misses you so much that he knows after he leaves you again, he’ll be miserable and heartbroken, probably similar to the way he felt when you first left for
That being said, he has no right to treat you, or his paid-by-you vacation, with such indifference. So how do you get your point across? I’d suggest using your very own words: The ticket was $1100 and you were going to pay for half. If you're not coming I need to know, and if I can't get my money back, you owe me $550.
He may get angry, and that’s okay. Say it anyway. And try candidly talking to him about your needs and wants regarding your relationship. After all, you have just as much say as he does, and if you’re unhappy, let him know. Things can’t get better unless you speak your mind.
Good luck!
Marissa
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