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"My boyfriend drinks too much and calls me names"


My boyfriend is usually really nice, but whenever he drinks he calls me names. Sometimes he calls me fat or ugly. The other day he had a few beers and told me that my mom looked like a whore. The thing is, my mom used to be a prostitute, a really long time ago, and she almost heard him say that. I'm scared she would have cried or worse if she'd heard him. i don't want to break up with my guy, but i don't want him to keep saying mean things. what can i say to him to get him to stop? do you think the fact that he's been drinking like pint of liquor and cases of beer every day has anything to do with this?? I'm so confused!

25 Nov 2004
Name: Sasha

Dear Sasha,

Your boyfriend has a problem.Excuse me, two problems.Heís an alcoholic and heís emotionally abusive.Mix them together and youíve got yourself a bad situation.

Under no circumstances whatsoever is it okay for your boyfriend, the guy with whom you are supposed to share a mutual respect and love, to call you fat, ugly or any other derogatory or hurtful name.Nor is it ok for him to call your mother a whore.I donít care if she was the real live ďPretty Woman,Ē it does not make it alright for your boyfriend to disrespect her in any way, shape or form.As the mom of the girl he is dating, it is unforgivable and inconceivable to me that he would treat her (and YOU) so maliciously and cruel.

While the drinking certainly exacerbates his behavior, alcohol or not, this is part of your boyfriendís personality and character.If there is one thing I have learned through the years, it is that people donít change.While it is possible for your boyfriend to modify his behavior, this would involve him admitting his problems and then seeking help for them.This takes self-understanding, determination and a desire to change.Unfortunately, wanting these things for your boyfriend, no matter how desperately, is not enough.He has to want them for himself, and take action subsequently.It is possible, but not probable.And I do not advise you stay in an emotionally abusive relationship in the meantime.Although words donít leave physical bruises, their blows puncture your soul and the scars are permanent.

Imagine for a moment what kind of man you want to marry, and what kind of father you want for your children.What characteristics does this man possess?Now think about the man you currently have.I hope the differences are profound.

Demand the respect you deserve.Do not accept your boyfriendís mistreatment of both you and your mom.In any relationship kindness, compassion and consideration should be of utmost importance, not to mention the basic foundation.I know itís difficult and scary, but get out of this relationship now.It will not get better.The put-downs will get worse, the drinking will become more frequent, and your pain will intensify.

A better man is out there for you.Get out of this relationship so you can find him.

Good luck!

-Marissa

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