"I have such negative feelings about myself"

Dear Hari,

You know what my first thought about you was after I read this letter? Wow, what an intelligent, thoughtful, psychologically-minded human being.

Not only do you “get yourself” – something that many people go a lifetime without being able to do – but you understand the origins of your self-conflict and you have an incredible sense of resolve when it comes to healing yourself and working through your issues.

I applaud you, I truly do. You are so much farther along in your progress than you even realize.

Self-image is a tricky thing. Once we make up our minds that we are a certain way – unattractive, dumb, unimportant, etc., - it’s very hard to change our way of thinking. I always say that managing our negative sense of self is similar to dealing with lifelong diseases like alcoholism or depression. Every day we have to make a concerted effort to love ourselves for who we are, and take stock of all the wonderful and unique qualities that we possess.

It’s a continuing process and in my opinion, it’s no less important than curbing any other self-damaging illness. So, as scary and difficult as it is, right here and right now, you need to decide for yourself that it’s time to make a change. It won’t matter how many people tell you how fantastic and fabulous you are if you don’t believe it for yourself. That’s why outside validation – the type of confirmation you use to make you feel good and worthy – doesn’t work. It has to come from within you. The only invariable constant in your world is YOU and everyone else is but a player in your play. If you look to others to provide you with a sense of self-esteem and confidence, you’re undoubtedly going to fall right off the self-respect bandwagon. People come and go. It is wonderful that you experienced your first love and that she made you feel appreciated and good about yourself, but do you see what happens when she’s no longer in your world? You’re right back to your self-destructive behavior. No one can do for you what you need to do for yourself. It is up to you to build your confidence and self-esteem; that is nobody else’s responsibility but your own. So, you might as well take that responsibility and make your life better. Right?

So now the question is how. Well, firstly, because this requires working through deep-seated feelings and maintaining a positive self-image is a life-long process, I highly recommend finding a trained counselor or therapist to talk to. Therapy is truly a wonderful way to discover yourself, understand your thoughts and make constructive changes in your life.

Secondly, if haven’t already, start a journal. I say this because it’s clear to me you are capable of delving into yourself and rationalizing your emotions and viewpoints. A journal will help you do this further; it will give you a safe place to write your inner dialogue. Maybe it seems trite, but answer me this: did writing the above question make you feel even a tad better? If the answer is yes, then you understand the therapeutic nature of writing and journaling.

In your journal, I suggest writing a list (and make it an ongoing list) of all the things you love about yourself. Even if it feels silly, do it anyway. I know at first it will be tough, and that’s okay, but the goal is to maintain an unending list of “Hari’s Positive Qualities” that you’ll be able to look at every night before bed and every time those downbeat, pessimistic thoughts start creeping up into your head.

As for being afraid to change, Hari, everyone’s afraid to change! We’re all afraid to make adjustments to our life and personality because we fear it will change our identity. And if it changes our identity, then who will we be? And will our old friends still want to be around us if we transform into someone new? Any type of loss, even if it’s for the better (like the loss of your self-loathing), leaves a void in our life and that’s unquestionably scary. But…you have to feel the fear and do it anyway.

Listen up and listen good:change is the very essence of life. When we change, we grow. We mature. Change allows us to go from gawky kid to sophisticated adult. And as far as your friends are concerned, I’m gonna go out on a limb here and say they’ll absolutely adore a more self-loving, positive, happy Hari!

Don’t be your own worst enemy when loving and respecting yourself will make you so, so, so much happier.

Good luck!
Marissa