"I crush on guys I have no chance with"

Dear Alison,

They don’t call them “crushes” because they feel good – that’s for certain, huh? But here’s the thing, the problem lies in the fact that you never even attempt to take your crushes to the next level, so you’re relationships remain fixed in the painful “crush-only” territory.

When we like someone it’s only natural to feel giddy and nervous around him/her. But there comes a point, if we truly want to be with that person and move our association with them beyond mere infatuation, that we have to make some sort of move to let them know we’re interested! After all, we’re not mind-readers and neither are our crushes!

It seems to me this was the problem with your crush in high school, and again, this is the same problem you’re having with Mr. Wonderful now; you like these guys so much, yet never give them any indication of how you feel! So they don’t reciprocate your feelings (because they don’t even know you’re having them!) and instead, they date girls who do show interest in them!

As scary as it seems, if you want something to come of your crushes, you’ve got to put yourself on the line and make your feelings known! I’m not saying you have to walk up to your crush and tell him you love him and want to be with him (unless, of course, you want him to run scared the other way!), but you do have to flirt, initiate conversation and make him feel as though you’re interested in who he is as a person.

If it feels more comfortable to you, work on building friendships with your crushes first, and from there, you can slowly but surely try to up your relationship to a romantic level. But the point is, it takes more than simply having a crush on someone to make a relationship happen. Romance doesn’t just materialize, and our crushes aren’t psychics; we can’t expect them to realize our attraction to them if we don’t give them any indication of our feelings!

Right here, right now you have to stop looking at yourself as a victim, and get rid of the notion that this keeps happening to you because you crush on guys you don’t have chances with – as you said, “I don't want to put myself through the pain of loving someone that I have no chance with again” – but rather realize that when you like someone, you have to take responsibility for making things happen! Similarly, your life isn’t something that just happens to you – you happen to it! You’re in control of your destiny; if you want something, then you’ve gotta go for it!

While it may be too late with your current crush – if he’s got a girlfriend there’s not much you can do except be his friend – heed this advice the next time you find yourself hopelessly hearting a guy. Remember, this is your life.It’s up to you to go after the things – and boys! – that you want.

Good luck!
Marissa