"He loves me but won't be romantic with me"

Dear Nona,

For whatever reason, your ex is uncomfortable being intimate with you.  Do you know anything about his sexual history? Is this type of thing a pattern for him in relationships? If so, then this has absolutely nothing to do with you and everything to do with him. Maybe your guy isn’t interested in women in a romantic sense, but dates them because he enjoys their friendship and is confused about his sexuality, or perhaps he endured a painful sexual experience when he was younger and now being physically intimate is traumatic for him?

He has no problem saying “I love you”, having meaningful conversations with you or telling you he wants you to be his future wife, but when it comes to the physical, he can’t – he won’t – provide. Emotionally, he’s a picture-perfect boyfriend! Most guys get squeamish talking about one month from now let alone marriage! But not your guy, no, he’s comfortable as can be expressing his love. The problem is that he won’t physically articulate it. Don’t you see what he’s done? He’s taken the one thing out of your relationship that makes him squirm with discomfort: the sex.

Hmm – sounds just a tad unfair to me. And by “tad” I mean very!

It would be one thing if you two had agreed you were better off just as friends, but that’s not what’s going on here. Instead, during your relationship none of your needs were getting met (and hello, those needs are important) while all of his were!

Of course he wants you back! For him, it was the perfect relationship.

But for you, it was not. You had every right to end that relationship for the reasons you did – after all, there are other guys you can just pal around with, what you were looking for in your boyfriend was romance!

If you decide you love him and want to give it another try, then I would highly recommend urging him to seek therapy because there’s definitely an underlying issue that needs to be resolved. And just the fact that he’s already suggested going to counseling tells me he realizes there is something beneath the surface – something he may not even be consciously aware of – that he needs to work on.

Regardless, I think this guy loves you very much, and is showing you that the only way he knows how – through deep and tender friendship.

Good luck!

Marissa