"If I stay will I always worry he's cheating?"

Dear Liz,

When your boyfriend cheated on you, he compromised the very basis of your relationship: TRUST.  And perhaps he would have been able to earn back your trust if he didn’t continue to cheat on you time and time again!

No wonder you’re arguing! You’re still deeply angered by his disloyalty (of course you are! I would be, too), and so you’re punishing him. Sitting on that other guy’s lap, taking pictures with him, flirting with other boys…whether you’re conscious of it or not, you’re acting out and saying to your boyfriend, “You can cheat? Well, look, I’m a wanted girl and I could cheat on you, too.” It’s like your dangling your loyalty in front of your boyfriend’s eyes and letting him know that at any moment, you could get back at him for being unfaithful and hurting you so badly. Not that you would – but there’s power in knowing you can. And it probably feels good to know your actions can upset, and affect, your boyfriend, the same way his upset and affect you.

People CAN change, but only if they want to. And in this case, your boyfriend has no reason to because he’s learned there aren’t any consequences to his doggish behavior. He cheats; you stay. He’s getting away with it, so why would he ever want to stop?

The key here is putting your foot down and implementing consequences; you can no longer allow your boy to get away with this type of disrespectful, abhorrent behavior.

I’m not saying that even if you monitored his every move or made him take an oath of loyalty he still wouldn’t find a way to mess around – he might. And yes, I’ve known instances where the phrase “once a cheat always a cheat” certainly rings true. But what I also know is that people are capable of modifying their behavior. The desire to do it, though, has to come from inside them. And in this case, as I said, your boyfriend, who has been allowed to cheat time and time again without enduring any consequences at all from you, (you’re still with him, aren’t you?) has no reason to stop getting extra lovin’ on the side. I mean really, it’s like being given a free pass to test-run all the cars, or order all the dishes on the menu. If he knows he can get away with cheating, and the worst you’ll do is bring it up each time you fight, but never terminate the relationship, then why would he stop?

Which brings me to the next issue I have. It seems to me your boyfriend is far more interested in what he can get away with (in this case, getting intimate with his exes and any other girl he can get his cheating paws on), than he is with loving you. A healthy relationship is one where the partners love one another, treat each other with kindness and respect, communicate openly and make each other a top priority. Do you think this describes your relationship? It seems to me the priority for your boyfriend is how many other girls, besides you, he can sleep with. Call me crazy, but not my idea of a happy, healthy union.

Darling! It’s time you demand your worth! Know what you deserve and DO NOT accept anything less! Create boundaries – make a list of all the things you refuse to put up with – then don’t! Demand your respect! If you don’t, who will? Certainly not your boy! Also, it utterly appalls me that your friends and sister knew about the cheating and didn’t tell you in an effort to preserve your happiness. Although it would hurt initially to know the truth, being deceived and staying in a relationship with a two (or three, or four, or five!) timing cheat will hurt you so much more in the end. So not only demand your respect from your boyfriend, but from everyone – friends and family included. From now on, you let them know you always want to know the truth so that you can have the information you need to make well thought out, intelligent decisions.

While I realize he’s your first love and you don’t want to let him go, answer me this: Would you rather remained tied to someone who treats you like garbage and doesn’t realize what an amazing girl he has, or be free to find a man who appreciates you, knows your worth and showers you with love and loyalty? The choice is yours, but if it were me, I’d want to be with someone who respects me and would NEVER put our relationship in jeopardy (and risk losing me just so he could sleep with other girls).

You say you cringe at the idea of him being with other girls after you break up … well what does the idea of him being with other girls WHILE you’re still together do to you? Just curious.

We’ve all wished we could be a fly on the wall of our boyfriend or girlfriend’s room at times – that’s just the nature of being human; we’re curious creatures who have a tendency to get jealous and feel insecure. But the difference between wanting to do it, and actually doing it, is HUGE. To actually do it means you truly don’t trust your significant other. It means you suspect his unfaithfulness to a severe, perhaps debilitating, degree.

Don’t hire an investigator, our wire-tap his room, instead, communicate with him. He’s been honest with you in the past about his cheating – tell him you need to know the truth. And if you don’t feel you can have this kind of conversation with him one-on-one, and you really want to work through your issues, I suggest counseling. The two of you truly need to learn how to work with one another because right now, you’re playing for opposing teams.

If you decide to stay together, the most important thing for the future of your relationship is rebuilding the trust. And the only way you can do that is to ensure your boyfriend is done cheating, and for you to finally let go of the pain and hurt of the past. Can you do this?

If you decide the answer is no, that’s okay. And if it’s yes, that’s okay, too. Regardless, my suggestion to you is to respect yourself enough not get walked all over – treat yourself with the type of respect you should be demanding from him (or anyone, for that matter). And if you stay, no more allowing the cheating to happen. From now on, you WILL put your foot down and there WILL be consequences.

He cheats, you go. That’s all there is to it.

Good luck!
Marissa