"I believe in waiting until marriage but she doesn't"

Dear Tim,

You and your girlfriend are in good company; you can look high and low but you’ll be hard-pressed to find a couple that holds all the same values and agrees on absolutely everything. Every day couples who agree on a lot less than you and your girlfriend make it – as far as I’m concerned, while I understand you find it disconcerting, if you truly believe she’s amazing, then that is what you should be focusing on and not her sexual history.

If you love her and want to be with her, you’ve got to find a way to look past the fact that she’s had sex before. Understanding the real reason this upsets you will help; are you upset because you feel sex is a sacred act that should only be experienced with your spouse and it bugs you that your girlfriend doesn’t hold the same view, or is that your girlfriend’s sexual history makes you feel insecure and inadequate?

If it’s the latter, realize this is a common issue among women who are more sexually advanced than their boyfriends. Blame it on the testosterone, but many men want to feel like the sexual aggressor in their relationships, and when the girl has had more sexual experience than the guy, clearly this perverts his desired aggressor role. Not to mention, no guy wants to think of his girlfriend with another man! Understandable? Yes. Worth throwing your relationship away over? Absolutely not! If that’s the problem then the only thing you can do is just get past it. She’s with YOU now, not those other guys. She’s chosen you! She wants to be with you!  And as much as it irks you she’s been intimate with men before you came along, that was her past and you are her present. And making her feel guilty for things she’s done in the past is just a grandiose waste of time – it’s not like she can go back and do things differently, and your expending so much energy on being upset about it is just preventing you from enjoying your relationship and your proclaimed amazing girlfriend!

If you’re upset for the first reason I stated – that, unlike you, your girlfriend doesn’t feel like sex is a sacred act that should be experienced only with a spouse – then you must come to terms with the fact that when it come to this subject, it’s okay to agree to disagree. A healthy relationship is not about compromising your values, but rather about respecting the principles that are important to the other person. As long as your girlfriend accepts your choice not to engage in premarital sex, than you need to respect the fact that her views are not the same as yours. And realize because of that, it’s unfair of you to get angry with her over her sexual past. For instance, I hate cigarettes. I don’t smoke and I don’t want the man I marry to smoke, either. But, if I meet the man of my dreams and it turns out he was a chain smoker before he met me, even though on some level of course it will bother me, I can’t punish him for choices he made before I was even a part of his life! Do you get my point?

So what do you do now? Forget about the sex and focus on all the other fantastic facets of your relationship. What activities do the two of you like? Doing things together that you both enjoy will not only get your focus off sex, it will allow you guys to lighten up and have fun together – something you desperately need!

Next, rev up your relationship by remembering all the things that attracted you to your girl in the first place.  What do you love about your girlfriend? Take some time and think about all her wonderful qualities. Write them down if you have to, but realize that she’s more than just her sexual past, she’s an intricate human being with incredible qualities; qualities you were drawn to before you ever learned of her sexual history.

Good luck!

Marissa