"Why do my boyfriend's feelings go from hot to cold?"

Dear Diane,

A big, bright red flag waves for me whenever a guy says he’s not good enough for me or that I don’t deserve him. Not because I think he’s really trying to send me on my way, but because, I think he truly believes it. And that’s exactly what I think is going on with you, too.

Sounds to me like your guy is a victim of low self-esteem and all his wishy-washy, come close/now go away actions support his “I’m not worthy of her or her love” perspective.

Do I think he genuinely cares about you? Yes, I definitely do. But his lack of self-belief makes it very difficult for him to fully act on his feelings, thus all the indecisive behavior. He’s afraid to lay down his guard and love you wholly and unabashedly, because since he doesn’t love himself, he has a hard time believing you will, either. So what does he do? Like my faulty shower head that only works sporadically, he only feels comfortable intermittently showing you affection. It’s his defense mechanism.

If he doesn’t get too close, he gets to keep his guard up and protect himself from the pain he undoubtedly knows he will feel when you finally realize (like he has) that he’s not good enough for you.

While that’s my best guess as to what’s going on, the other factor could simply be that, as a gender, men sometimes have a harder time actually comprehending and discussing their true feelings. Perhaps your guy just needs a little more time to process his emotions. It’s not that he’s not into you – he definitely is, or else he wouldn’t still be with you after six months – but it may just be taking him a little longer to recognize his feelings.

Now the question is – in both circumstances – is this something you’re willing to put up with? Do you like him enough to put in the extra effort and stick it out? If you say no, do not feel badly. Relationships are hard work without all the extra details, and no one could blame you for not wanting to take on a difficult situation with someone you’re just lukewarm for.

But if the answer is yes, that you do really like him and you want to try to make it work, and if he’s really lacking the self-esteem (which I truly believe he is) the best thing to do is build him up. Tell him that you wouldn’t stand for anyone else saying such negative things about your boyfriend, and you certainly won’t accept it from him, either! It may get to be repetitive, but tell him that you wouldn’t be with him if you didn’t want to; you’re a big girl and you are very capable of making your own choices, and you’ve chosen him! You want to be with him because he brings out the best in you and makes you feel fantastic, and you wish he’d stop disputing you on that. Eventually, he’ll get the point. And in time, when he sees you’re still around, hopefully the self-loathing talk will cease.

Regardless, changes won’t happen overnight, so if you choose to be with him, make sure you stock up on your patience!

Good luck!
Marissa