"I'm at my wit's end with my 16-year-old son's deviant behavior!"

Dear Angie,

Firstly, I’d like to suggest counseling for you. You’re enduring a very emotional and rough period in your life and having an outside source to talk to might be a helpful part of your own healing. Aside from seeing someone on your own, I also recommend finding a counselor that you and your son can visit jointly. I realize how difficult it is for you and your son to communicate these days, perhaps having an outside source – a mediator trained in family matters – will help the two of you see eye-to-eye and get to the heart of your problems.

As for your son, I think he needs to be in a consistent counseling program. Although his previous therapist was not a good fit, you should not give up on finding him someone who is. Sometimes we have to go through many therapists before we find one we are comfortable with, trust and can relate to. Divorce and separation take a huge toll on a child, especially at the time when a young adult is coming into his or her own. Even if he’s hesitant at first, your son needs to be able to work through his deep-seated feelings regarding this tough familial transition.

Another thing I’d like you to think about is how long your son’s behaviors have been taking place. If the onset was prior to the divorce, he could be suffering from a personality disorder such as Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD). After consulting with a psychologist, I’ve come to learn that this is characterized by mood instability and poor self-image. People with this disorder are prone to constant mood swings and bouts of anger. They think in very black and white terms and often form intense, conflict-ridden relationships. They are quick to anger when their expectations are not met. (This is, obviously, very extreme, but a possibility nonetheless).

If your son’s symptoms are post divorce, he could be suffering from an adjustment disorder (this is when stress causes clinically significant symptoms to develop, or interfere with your ability to cope with ongoing life management tasks). There are different types of adjustment disorders, according to the symptoms that develop. These include: depressed mood with anxiety, mixed emotional response and problems with conduct disturbance. He could also just be suffering from Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) as a result of the divorce.

In any case, he needs to continue on a path in therapy; this will help him open up about what he is thinking instead of communicating it through anger and violence. And to reiterate, you, too, should seek therapy to help you cope with everything you’ve been dealt.

I know this is a difficult time for you, but please realize you’re doing the best you can. The light at the end of the tunnel is imminent, it’s just that the only way out of a problem, is through it. You will get through it.

Good luck!

Marissa