Picture the scene. Monday April 29th 2002: Sydney Kingsford Smith airport. I've just been personally escorted on to the outgoing plane with the (mulleted) Aussie immigration official sending me off saying "and don't come back ya big galaa…" Hmm I'll have the last laugh I thought, and so cunningly disguising myself with a 'larger' appearance consisting of an extra couple of chins and gradual reduction back to number one on my belt I am now ready to return…
Having successfully travelled (and evaded deportation) on a round-the-world trip earlier this year with my girlfriend Beth as 'The Messy Travellers', Australia Take 2 sees me return under a new guise. Myself (Hairy Groover) along with More Jelly/Stella Mother (MJ/SM), Monster (you all know) and Headbutt Pete (byyyaaarrgghhh) are about to take on the world as roving ambassadors and walking advertisements for www.fazed.com and www.funkystu.co.uk. And before you see the photo's and think to yourselves "Bloody hell Beth's let herself go a bit" Nial has taken Beth's place as Messier Traveller No.2 due to Beth finally getting fed up with being awoke by a loud thunderous fart 'n' burp every morning.
We all have our own reasons for undertaking such a mission. For Monster Nial Davies it's a combination of wanting to use his lyrics (including such classics as "You're breath smells all buttercuppy", "Take your top off" and "Er…what do you mean it's too early for a can of Stella?") on a worldwide - female - audience and also finally running out of divorced, middle-aged women from Chichester to shag. For me I cannot tolerate this country's discrimination against hairy men any longer, MJ/SM Adam "but what about the ladyboys?…" Metcalfe's reasons explain themselves…And Pete? well, er…he's Australian so after conquering Europe is now returning home to hibernate.
Various public houses in and around Chichester have been the (unwilling) hosts for our 'travel meetings'. As you would expect these meetings have been conducted in a very professional manner. For example we've used the table to represent the world, an empty pint glass to represent Australia, a packet of fags to represent Thailand and Monsters lighter to represent us flying to and from these places. As I said, all very professional. MJ/SM also managed to make Thailand sound very appealing by summing it up as "that place with all the jungles and beaches and stuff". Nice. Don't think the Irish fella who presents 'Holiday' is gonna be worried about his job too much.
So after realising (via our pub geography) that Thailand and Australia are a bloody long way away we moved on to the next step: Booking our flights. www.cheapflights.co.uk were by far the most helpful as they list contact details for all the agents and airlines flying on your date or destination However here's a tip - when looking for a flight to Oz via Thailand be prepared to listen to hours of 'holding music' when you phone. This generally consists of 'Lady in Red' by Chris De Burgh or stuff like Oasis…except in pipe music form. Truly shocking. I wasn't prepared and I don't think I've recovered yet however if listening to that doesn't convince you to leave the country I don't know what will…
So flights booked and sorted we moved on to: Health. Hmm a debatable subject as collectively we're not exactly in prime fitness (an impressive love handle total of 72 between the four of us) but have now taken the required precautions for a visit to an Asian country i.e Ever the hypochondriac, MJ/SM has taken no risks and is packing a bee keepers outfit to keep out the mosquito's and Monster has found a couple of extra thick rubber glove condoms to deal with the Thai ladies and all they have to, ahem, 'offer'…
Then last but not least, the all important: Finances. To be honest though we're not discussing that, look I'm not saying we're on a tight budget but there's nothing on that Working Visa that says you can't beg, sleep on the streets and have a diet of Victoria Bitter is there?
And
now we're set. Pete is going early to do a reccy of pubs, clubs and kebab houses
in Sydney, while MJ/SM, Monster and I leave for Thailand on Friday 11th October.
MJ/SM makes the return journey to blighty on 30th October with Monster and I heading
on to Sydney on the same day.
Just to further confuse everyone we're all coming
back on different dates too. I'm giving myself 6 months to stalk Kylie Minogue,
failing that her sister Danni, and er…failing that Madge Bishop, while Monster's
set himself a 2 year target for getting the part in Neighbours as "fat alcoholic
lurking suspiciously around the coffee shop".
We'll keep you posted!
Groover
